256 – How to Manage Through Fear in All Areas of Your Life with Amy Smith of The Joy Junkie

You're listening to gift biz unwrapped episode 256 every single person

in this world experiences fear,

so it's not that we are ever going to eradicate fear

or get rid of it.

It's that we must contend with it in a more powerful

way. Attention gifters,

bakers, crafters,

and makers pursuing your dream can be fun.

Whether you have an established business or looking to start one

now you are in the right place.

This is gift to biz unwrapped,

helping you turn your skill into a flourishing business.

Join us for an episode packed full of invaluable guidance,

resources and the support you need to grow your gift biz.

Here is your host gift biz gal,

Sue moon Heights there.

It's Sue and thanks for joining me on the show today.

Before we jump into the big,

big, big topic I have lined up,

I want to share with you a past guest spotlight this

week. It's a net pardon of fill my jar,

the most amazing tophi and caramels you'll ever experience.

You can hear her story back at episode 172 and of

course I'll have a direct link in the show notes for

you as well.

Go listen,

if you want to know more about using popups as a

major sales activity,

particularly great for new exposure and instant sales.

So catch this.

A net just purchased a building and we'll be opening her

brick and mortar store this spring.

The location is perfect.

It's right off the train and a few blocks away from

Brookfield zoo,

which is the large zoo here in the Chicago area.

Her additional plan is to get involved with the community and

particularly with special needs children and adults.

How exactly,

she's not sure yet,

but I know she'll figure it out.

Congratulations in that and you know we're all wishing you the

best as you build out the store and open for business.

A trip to the zoo this summer is definitely now on

my calendar.

Moving on to the topic of the day,

fear, fear with a big capital F.

I really think this is the biggest obstacle we all have

that stands in our way of achieving our dreams.

We're afraid of failure,

so it's better to just not even try.

We fear what people will think of us if we put

ourselves out there so it's just better to stay silent and

our very own inner critic,

that little mean girl isn't very helpful either.

She sits in our mind and tells us all the ways

we aren't cut out for something or that we don't have

what it takes with all this.

It's amazing how any of us move forward and realize our

dreams at all.

But guess what many of us do and so can you.

I feel indebted to our guests today because Amy tackles this

fear problem in a whole new way.

She explains why we experience fear and even more importantly how

to deal with it in a real life way,

not through theory or just saying to yourself not to be

scared, but with advice that really can move you past dream

shattering inactivity.

Amy, take it away Today.

It is my pleasure to introduce you to Amy E.

Smith. Amy is a certified confidence coach,

masterful speaker and personal empowerment expert,

founder of the joy junkie.

Amy uses her roles as coach,

writer, podcaster and speaker to move individuals to a place of

radical personal empowerment and self-love with acute focus on helping people

find their voice.

She's highly sought after for her uncommon style of irreverence,

wisdom and humor and has been a featured expert on Fox

five San Diego and your tango.com

Amy, welcome to the gift biz unwrapped podcast.

Hi Sue.

Thanks for having me.

I'm excited to chat today.

I'm excited to chat today too,

and I know this is going to be one of those

episodes that people are going to go back to listen to

over and over again,

myself included.

I'm not telling anybody that topic yet,

but they're going to just have to wait for a second

because I want to do what has become a tradition here

on the show and that is having you describe yourself through

a motivational candle.

So a little bit of a creative way of learning something

different about you.

So if you were to help us envision a candle,

that would be all you buy color and quote or mantra,

I guess I'd say.

What would your candle look like?

Oh My first thought was that it would definitely have like

a lot of Aqua and turquoise and then I thought,

who am I kidding?

It would have all the colors Tend to be very expressive

as far as,

well let me just say this,

leopard print is my neutral,

So I need to work really hard at actually having neutral

color in my life.

You could even say like that leopard print is my neutral

is your motto.

I love that.

I've never heard that before.

I think that's great.

I could definitely read my motto,

But I think there's a quote that I use all the

time in my work and it's by a woman named Irma

Kurtz and it says givers have to set limits because takers

rarely do.

And it's a perspective or kind of mantra that I operate

a lot of my business center and it's this idea that

if we are not speaking up for ourselves,

if we're not contending with fear and looking at it in

the face and making powerful,

courageous decisions,

we end up putting everybody else in front of us.

We allow ourselves to say yes to things we don't want

to say yes to and we ended up sacrificing a lot

of our own happiness.

So I think that would be probably the phrase that would

be kind of embedded.

I think a lot of us can understand that for sure.

Do you think everybody does it or do you think there

are certain people who have a tendency over others?

Well, I'll tell you the two major categories I think people

fall into that I see the most is extremely,

I guess like an extreme people pleaser,

doormat style,

always saying as always concerned about everybody else's feelings.

And then there's kind of the polar opposite that is extremely

assertive, but they don't necessarily assert themselves with kindness.

They're more combative and a little bit more stark and intense

in their delivery.

And that's quite simply because we've bought in as a society

to this idea that if you speak up for yourself or

if you are assertive,

then you're actually being kind of mean or malicious or adversarial

in some way.

But to answer your question,

I think it really comes down to our primitive responses.

Some people tend to be more of the flee type when

they feel threatened and some people are the fight type when

they feel threatened.

And then there's the small grouping that tends to freeze.

But I think it's part of our wiring.

So you know,

this idea of being fear less when you create your business

or when you put yourself out there or when you try

a new design concept or something like that is really irrational.

Like we're not going to ever be without fear,

but we can choose how we contend with it regardless of

what your response tends to be.

If it's okay,

just let's do everything for everyone else or being kind of

a bulldozer,

you can definitely contend with fear in a different way that's

more powerful.

Okay. Well I definitely want to dive more into fear and

I think that's going to become one of the big topics

here today,

but before we really go into it to that level,

I'm really curious,

how did you get into coaching in the beginning?

Are you coming from another profession or training or how did

you land here?

Yeah, that's a great question.

So I have been working in personal development probably for almost

15 years now,

about 10 plus that I've been doing it solely.

And my background prior to that was in makeup artistry and

I had done the whole working your way up the corporate

ladder. I worked for a prestige makeup brand and I think

by all accounts I had the quote,

big girl job.

I was traveling all over and had an assistant and a

company car and all this fancy stuff for being in my

early twenties it was quite accomplished.

And I remember I had this very poignant moment where I

was driving home from one of my stores and at the

time this was early two thousands we did all of our

correspondence via Bluetooth while I'm driving and we have this a

really elaborate voicemail system.

So I was constantly leaving messages for my managers and my

teams and all of that.

And so what that meant is pretty much all my commutes.

I was working as well.

And I had this very pivotal moment where Kelly Clarkson's breakaway

came on the radio.

And so that,

again, it gives you context of the timeframe.

And I had sort of this epiphany,

not just because the song was so resonant with where I

was at,

but because it had been ages since I had even afforded

myself the simple pleasure of listening to music in my car.

And it dawned on me like,

you don't even listen to music anymore cause you're so enraptured

and engulfed in this career.

And I just start bawling my eyes out.

I'm kind of like scream crying like a break.

I'll spread my wigs and I had false lashes kind of

sliding down my face.

I really kind of looked like the joker.

It's not bubbles there,

I'm sure.

So I get home and my husband's like appalled,

like, Oh my gosh,

what happened to you?

I held up my fingers and I was like,

I am this close to completely losing who I am.

And that was the distinct moment,

sort of the impetus behind me searching for something else.

And I realized that if I was going to be working

till all hours of the night and if I was going

to be so stressed out,

I wanted it to be around something that I cared about.

That was my passion,

that was my dream.

And that's really when I started searching.

And coincidentally my husband came home one day and said,

there's this career.

I heard this person on the radio and it's what you've

been doing your whole life.

You've got to look into it.

It's called a life coach.

And I was like,

really? What?

I don't even know.

And he felt so convicted about it that he had sent

away to a school to get more information about it.

And it was like,

you need to look into this.

You really,

he was really quite pushy about it.

And now of course he loves that.

He was such a huge part of that evolution.

And that was really how I started transitioning.

But for many people who own their own businesses,

I'm sure they can relate and perhaps your story is the

same where I had to wean myself off of the quote

big girl job or how people go,

why don't you get yourself a real job?

And you're like,

uh, I am.

I'm creating that now,

which I'm sure we can dig into.

So that was very much an interesting transition because I had

on one side of my work life I was talking about

makeup artistry and something really creative.

And then on the other side of my life I was

coaching and working with these really deep,

intricate fears and desires and things like that.

So it was quite the juxtaposition for awhile,

but I wouldn't trade it for the world.

So the thing that I'm loving about your story is that

you totally had your husband's support because he presented it to

you in the beginning and were you buying into it once

you understood what it was.

So it felt good to you right from the start too.

And then to know that you had his support just made

it all the better.

I'm sure.

Yes. Yeah.

And I like what you're talking about too.

And this is a good example for people who are listening

because a lot of our listeners also have a nine to

five. They might be listening right at their desks right now.

Who knows?

And I am An advocate of winding one thing down while

you're bringing something else up.

Some people say,

well just jump in with two feet.

And I think specially for the industry that we are gifters

bakers, crafters makers,

that's way too scary and dangerous cause we're putting ourselves out

and our personal products on the line and it's just too

risky. And when you do that and you need to get

those sales in because you need to be paying your monthly

bills and all,

you start to look more desperate and it's not even any

fun anymore.

Yeah, it might be your baby,

but it's no fun.

So I love that you talking about winding down one,

ramping up the next one and then eventually letting the other

release. That's right.

How did that happen?

How long did it take?

That took a couple of years.

I worked very much in increments and I will say that

I completely concur with you,

with the exception of people who will not get into any

action unless they go cold Turkey.

Because I do think that there are a select few people

who have to pull the rug out from under themselves or

they will never,

ever, ever make a change.

No, I'm not wired like that.

That scares the crap out of me.

I need this stability.

I need the structure.

I need to account for everything.

But I have met a handful of people who really have

had to take that massive leap because they knew they wouldn't

if they didn't have to force themselves into it.

Interesting. Yeah.

So I think it's about honoring how you operate,

like really understanding what makes you feel safe.

And I think that's different for everybody.

I had a really good fortune because I resigned out of

the higher profile position that I was in.

And then I worked for one of our pro store locations

in a retail aspect.

And what was great about that is I could then start

dropping down in days.

So I originally worked five days and then coached on my

two days off and was working on marketing and websites and

all of those things on those two days.

And then I swapped it for four days and three days

and I kept kind of weaning myself off the day job

because I did have that good fortune of being able to

step down in hours.

But at one point then it becomes you need to supply,

do our medical insurance too.

Right? Cause I was carrying that for the family.

So there were certain things that I had to incrementally bite

off and so those became the goals.

It was okay,

I need to make just enough in my coaching world so

that I can make sure I pay for our benefits or

I can make sure I pay for my own coach.

Or I looked at it from a very formulaic way and

really did all the number crunching and decide,

okay, what has to happen and broke it down into small

mini goals.

But prior to any of that,

before I did any of that,

my first goal was just to make enough money to pay

for my own coach,

which was a requirement for the coaching certification that I went

through. And then it just kind of elevated from there.

So I think also when you listen to podcasts like this

or you see people who have really built some really incredible

establishment, it's easy to get down on yourself and go,

gosh, I'm at square one.

Oh my gosh,

what am I going to do?

And you really have to do these baby steps in order

to, it's the compound effect you keep accumulating.

And accumulating these successes.

And then before you know it,

you've got this thriving business,

but you have to temper yourself from that comparison to where

everybody else is at.

Yeah, I mean your example sounds like the perfect template if

you ask me,

because also while you were going through your certification,

you're also validating that this is really what you want to

be doing because you know it might sound good from the

outside, but then when you actually get into it,

what does this involve and actually start doing it.

What if you didn't like it?

Right? I mean you never really know until you get started.

That's true.

So just the stair stepping I think is really great.

And unfortunately you're saying that some people just jump in because

that's the only way they're going to get something done.

Some people,

even if they're not really conditioned to do that,

end up having to jump in because they've been released from

their nine to five.

Right? They've been downsized.

And then what do you do?

And luckily in this economy right now,

I think there are jobs,

but there are times when there aren't.

So it's almost like the only thing that you can do,

right, so everyone has different situations obviously and people have made

it work regardless of the situation they start from.

I think that's a big point completely.

I have to Mentioned and obviously I had a really seamless

situation. There is a gal who I just graduated with.

We both went through the same hypnotherapy program and she has

I believe three children.

She had no vehicle And she was also diagnosed with cancer

and she took a bus to the training every after her

work every single day and ended up being like on the

Dean's list and winning this prestigious award for all of her

dedication and her cancer is in remission and it's just incredible

what's possible when you made that definitive decision of I'm going

to make this happen for my life.

I've heard this great quote of you either make time or

you make excuses and that's really what it comes down to

if you want it bad enough.

Right, Right.

Yeah. You've got to have the passion for it,

and you have to have the reason why you're doing it,

which is over and above the reason you're providing for your

customers. It's why you're doing it for yourself.

What does it personally fulfill within you?

Yes, because that's what you need for the passion to keep

going. That's absolutely right.

Okay, so let's dive into this.

Amy, and I want to kind of lay the groundwork here

because when we first connected and I was reading up about

you and all of that,

I'm like,

Oh my gosh,

you have to be on the show because you can really

help us out with where a lot of people get stuck.

I run into all the time,

whether I'm out at trade shows or I'm speaking,

or people are calling in or whatever.

I hear about many people who want to start their business,

and the first answer,

this is like the topline excuse.

I don't know what to do.

Okay? So that's the first thing,

and that's where I can help because that's what my purpose

is. Okay,

here's how we get started.

Here's a proven method,

et cetera,

et cetera.

However, some of those people won't even start.

And I know it's because of fear.

I know they either don't have the confidence,

they can see that it can happen for everybody else,

right? We have guests on the show who are showing over

and over again their situation and how they've started their business

and what's happening and the growth and all of that.

But we have some people who just won't get off the

dime. And I think really it's fear.

So can you help us with this?

Sure. Well,

the first thing to understand about all of that is,

well, I'll give you a little hack on the,

I don't know what to do.

That phrasing,

I don't know what to do or I don't know.

I don't know is an end statement.

It's basically a place where you can keep wallowing in this

vortex of like,

Oh God,

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

And it doesn't progress you forward.

So one of the simplest things that you can do,

if that's something that you say is to follow it up

with the addendum of,

but I'm going to figure it out,

or I'm actively searching out my solution,

or I'm in the process of creating,

I don't know,

but I'm in the process of finding out,

I will figure it out or I'm capable of sourcing it.

Something like that where we are still continuing a forward movement.

It's okay to not be clear,

but it's not okay to stay stagnant if there's a dream

that's going to die within you.

Right? Like we still need to continue to move on.

So using something like that can also be kind of a

quick little fear Buster because that,

I don't know excuse can really take hold.

Well, it's kind of setting it in an intent to so

because if,

if you've been using this,

and this has just been your excuse,

like I'll hear a million people,

I'm going to write a book someday.

Well, you know,

10 years later they're still going to write a book someday.

Yes. Same thing with starting a business.

I love this end statement then leading to an additional statement

because it's setting intention that are,

here's where I am,

but this is what I'm going to do about it.

That's right.

And it takes you subconsciously from a place of victimhood,

like this is happening to me and I don't know what

to do and blah,

blah, blah,

to a place of survivor and power,

personal power where you kind of go,

Oh, but I'm going to make this happen,

but I'm going to source the right mentors or the right

materials or whatever it is in order to help me progress.

So that's one small thing.

The thing to really understand about fear is that it doesn't

matter what race you are,

what ethnicity,

what sex you are,

what, how you identify every single person in this world experiences

fear. So it's not that we are ever going to eradicate

fear or get rid of it,

it's that we must contend with it in a more powerful

way. So I'm not a big fan of the word fearless

because from what I understand,

there's only been one documented case of a woman who actually

did not experience fear.

And unless you are she listening to this radio or listening

to this episode right now,

then you're going to be dealing with it.

So I have coined this term being fear optimized to make

as useful and as effective as possible.

If we're going to have this fear,

let's make it useful.

And I think the best way to do that is to

stand in a place of courage.

And you have to acknowledge what you are afraid of first

of all,

before you can decide that you're going to move courageously forward

and in spite of that fear.

So an example of that might be if you've been really

having this trepidation about starting a new business,

let's say,

and let's say you're really,

really passionate about pottery,

but then you also really,

really love jewelry and you don't know if you should combine

them, if you should just do one thing.

And so you've gotten yourself all in this,

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

So take some time and look at what am I really

afraid of.

So actually defining it,

because I think a lot of people are just afraid,

but they never really understand what's behind it.

Is that what you're talking about?

Absolutely. Because fear is an emotion.

So we feel it,

but we haven't necessarily unpacked it to go,

here's what this is actually about,

because when you think about it,

primitively we experience fear when we think that we're in some

kind of danger.

Now that has now evolved where we're not actually in danger

of losing our life,

like at the hands of a saber tooth tiger in days

of old.

Right? But we feel that way.

If somebody doesn't like our new design,

we think,

Oh my gosh,

that must mean I'm going to die.

That's what's happening on a subconscious level.

I know that sounds totally hyperbolic,

but that's true.

Where when somebody doesn't like us,

we're afraid of not being accepted into the fold.

We're afraid of losing our survival,

so we create this total jump to conclusion that we're somehow

radically unsafe if somebody doesn't accept us.

If a design doesn't get approved,

if we don't get a business loan,

if a website isn't flawless,

we take those fears and we make the mean that we

are somehow not going to be successful.

And what we really need to do is unpack what is

that fear really,

truly about so that you can then choose your courageous path,

right? So if it's something that's about your own ability,

then you need to choose a courageous path that's about your

ability. If it's fear of success,

then we need to engage with success in a different way

and start working on courage as it pertains to that.

That's fear of failure.

If it's fear of other people's opinions,

then we have to tailor our courage to those specific issues.

Can you give me an example of that?

The tailoring portion?

Sure. Well,

why don't you tell me what is one of the biggest

fears that people say that you hear?

One of the biggest fears that I hear,

and I don't know for sure if it's always just an

excuse, right?

But one of the biggest fears is,

I'm not sure what the first step is as if there's

only one correct.

First step.

Okay, perfect.

Right? Like if they don't land on the correct thing,

it's none of it's going to work.

Yes. Okay.

So a perfect courageous question to ask yourself would be,

if I knew the very first step,

what would it be?

So it could be because we get lost in sort of

this crazy vortex of our mind when we actually do know,

we know that we could go to Sue's website and we

could look at all of her resources.

We know that we could check other podcasts that are associated

with this podcast.

We know that we could do a Google search.

There's a lot of stuff that you could actually do,

but when you stay stuck in that place,

you're allowing fear to win.

So the more courageous thing would be to ask yourself,

if I did know the first step,

what would it be?

Or if I didn't have to have the perfect first step,

what would it be?

That's behaving from a place of courage.

Yeah. Or what little action could I take?

Absolutely. So maybe they're thinking of a really big first step

when really it doesn't have to be that big.

It could just be a little foot forward advancing towards that

step. Right?

Absolutely. It could be totally small.

It could even be who is an authority on first steps,

right? Like people who help you distill and crystallize your vision.

That's one thing that I would have done differently from the

very beginning is hire mentors and strategists to help me instead

of feeling like I had to do it all on my

own. I think that's priceless.

And one of the best,

best things that you can do is if you're so stuck,

hire somebody to get you out of that stuckness.

Yeah. Okay.

I love this.

Okay. So the first thing we have to do is unpack

and really define where that fear is coming from.

What's underneath that fear.

That's right.

Okay. And then take some type of a step or action,

break it down smaller and do something.

I think it all comes back to some action.

That's right.

You do action.

Even though you have fear.

We can't be courageous unless we have fear.

Yeah. The has to be present in order for us to

behave from a place of courage.

It's not courageous unless we're contending with something a little bit

there. So knowing that,

okay, I'm worried to do this crack fair,

I'm nervous that nobody's going to buy anything.

Okay, well what's the courageous action that I can take?

I'm going to go anyway and trust that I needed this

experience and I'm in a focus on,

I know you're a big fan of law of attraction.

I'm going to focus on what I do want instead of

what I don't want.

So I'm going to picture my booth being saturated with customers

with so many inquiries,

me being an amazing Alliance that I can help them,

they can help me.

Something, you know,

visualize what you really want to occur.

Not necessarily because it's this crazy woo thing,

but because now you're occupying your mind with something different.

You're occupying your mind with something you do want as opposed

to something you don't want.

Perfect. Okay.

Should we take this more about fear or,

I have another question about the craft show booth situation.

Which way should we go?

You tell me.

Let's do that one.

Let's do the second more of Amy's great advice coming your

way right after a word from our sponsor.

Yes, it's possible.

Increase your sales without adding a single customer.

How you ask by offering personalization with your products.

Wrap a cake box with a ribbon saying happy 30th birthday,

Annie, or at a special message and date to wedding or

party favors for an extra meaningful touch.

Where else can you get customization with a creatively spelled name

or find packaging that includes a saying whose meaning is known

to a select to not only our customers willing to pay

for these special touches.

They'll tell their friends and word will spread about your company

and products.

You can create personalized ribbons and labels in seconds.

Make just one or thousands without waiting weeks or having to

spend money to order yards and yards.

Print words in any language or font.

Add logos,

images, even photos.

Perfect for branding or adding ingredient and flavor labels to for

more information,

go to the ribbon print company.com

So what happens out?

You do everything that you said.

You go to the craft show mentally,

you're seeing a full booth,

people are looking at your product,

you get a few sales,

but it really doesn't meet your potential.

Okay. Of what you had wanted and a goal of some

sort. How do you get yourself not to be saying,

okay, this did not work.

I'm over it.

Yes, great question.

Well, you have to,

I think first of all,

give yourself permission to feel what you feel.

So if you are disappointed,

if you're saddened,

if you're frustrated,

you need to acknowledge that emotion.

Most of the time we don't and that's why we drink

or we end up on Facebook for five hours or we

throw ourselves into another project without really unpacking what just transpired.

And I think it's a piece of emotional intelligence and it's

to acknowledge,

wow, I really didn't get my way.

That hurts.

That's unfortunate.

And allow yourself to bawl your eyes out or beat the

crap out of your bed or a punching bag or go

for a run or scribble furiously do something to expel whatever

energy you are feeling around that.

Let down.

Then once that's happened,

now you can regroup.

Now you can regroup and go,

okay, what were the things that were successful and where are

some of the pivots that I can make in order to

change this?

And that could be seeking help from a mentor.

That could be a group that you're a part of,

like a mastermind.

It could be a sourcing articles online,

but finding a way for you to look and go,

okay, well I really didn't look at how much traffic was

going to be at this event.

I didn't realize that it was geared more towards home furnishings.

There's in that like you do more research,

maybe you don't want to do in person events as much

as you want to sell online,

like who knows?

Right, but you have to evaluate what happened.

Was it successful?

Is it worth it for me?

And taking that as information instead of you need to quit.

It's okay that didn't work.

Now I'm one step closer to something that will work.

I think that's so important and this is a concept that

I've just recently been diving into more versus trying something.

It doesn't work.

Then totally disconnecting and trying something else instead trying something,

evaluating and adjusting as you're talking about,

a lot of people are calling it wash and repeat.

Right, but just doing a similar thing with some tweaks because

you already have a learning about it versus just closing the

book on that and starting something else that may or may

not work,

but at least giving every experiment a try or two or

three before you discount it.

Totally. Because that's right.

Work the first or second time,

but the third time you blow it out of the water

And my only caveat with that would be if you're trying

a method or a strategy that you absolutely do not like

from the beginning,

like we were talking,

you and I were talking about the influx of podcasts before

we started.

That's one marketing Avenue.

So if you feel like,

Oh my gosh,

I should do a podcast for my business,

but you absolutely hate it.

You don't keep finessing.

You listen to like,

this is not my method.

Maybe YouTube channel would be better for me.

Or maybe Pinterest is better for me,

or maybe paid advertising is better for me or in person

networking. So you can still have different strategies.

But I think it's about really paying attention to why did

I try this strategy?

Is it because everyone's telling me to do it?

And that's a place of really refining.

Does this feel right to me?

Is it a matter of just tweaking it?

Because no matter what that inner critic is going to come

in and say,

see, you're not good at this.

See, and it will jump to this massive conclusion.

And that's when you have to engage with that voice,

that voice of fear and say,

Hey, no,

we tried this.

We're going to give it another go.

We didn't have enough marketing materials or we didn't get the

word out enough,

or where our booth,

we need to pay for a better location of both.

And we're going to tweak some stuff.

And of course you're scared and that's okay.

Just talking to that voice inside you.

So I mean,

you talk about the fact that we all have fear,

we all also have that inner voice that's not going to

be so nice to us sometimes.

Right? That's right.

And so I guess just accepting that that's going to happen.

Yes, you're right.

If you don't like what you're doing,

don't keep doing it.

That's not going to work longterm for sure.

But just understanding that,

that those things are going to come up and it's exists

for all of us,

I think is really important.

So excellent.

That's right.

Okay. And so I'm thinking that another reason people have fear,

and it's counterproductive for my audience because some of the best

people who can buy your product first are friends and family,

right? Because they're willing to try your product.

Let's say your shopping cart doesn't work.

They're going to be much more forgiving.

Let's say your design needs a little bit of a tweak.

You're going to get valuable information from them,

et cetera.

But often I see people not wanting to tell anybody that

they know that they're starting this business because what if it

fails? And so they have the fear of success or failure

I guess I would say.

And so they want to just keep it in.

They're like,

well, I'm going to tell everybody when it's going really well

when the very people who could help jumpstart the business or

the people you're not talking to.

Right. And it all goes back to the fear.

What do you say about that?

Well, I think it really depends because I think that there's

some way in which we are all wired where,

especially as children,

we want our parents to come through for us.

We want our moms or our dads to be our biggest

fans. And I don't think we ever stop wanting that approval.

But I don't think that everybody's friends and family are capable

of championing you the way that you really need to be

championed. So it depends on the nature of the relationship.

So one of the things that I would suggest is looking

at these key players in your life and looking at are

they capable of being the support that I need?

Or do you have that parent or that sister who is

always like,

Oh, you're starting this now,

or Oh then that's not the person to go through.

That's not the person who is able to hold your biggest

vision. That's why I'm such a proponent for peer masterminds,

people who are in the same space as you,

who can champion you.

Because unfortunately,

one of the things I see,

I don't know if you see it as much,

is that family tends to be the worst as far as

supporting and getting really getting in the way of these grandiose

visions and they want to kind of knock you down.

So I think it depends on the nature of the relationship

with the family.

And what I oftentimes say is speak your truth into ears

that can hear you.

Not all ears are capable of hearing you.

They're always gonna say you should go to medical school or

they're always going to say get yourself a real job.

Now if they're not and they are incredibly supportive and it's

just your fear that's holding you back,

that's an opportunity to be fear optimized to say,

okay, it's going to take a lot of courage for me

to share this with my sister,

but I know she will be thrilled for me.

And then I think it's a matter of using your words

and being very clear about the support that you need.

So for instance,

if you are really working through some insecurity or some confidence

issues to tell your partner or your best friend or your

sister or your mom or whoever and say,

Hey listen,

I'm really,

really struggling to get this out in the world and I'm

feeling incredibly vulnerable and sensitive.

Here's my request.

I want to show you what I've been working on.

My request is if you have feedback for me that's more

constructive. Will you just be really careful with your words?

Not because you have to,

but because I'm requesting that and I'm just feeling really fragile.

And it would mean the world to me.

So if you're not totally in your strength to say it,

you know,

say I'm feeling really sensitive about this,

so if you can just be gentle with your feedback,

I'd really appreciate that because you matter to me.

Gentle but still honest,

right? Of course.

Honest, honest,

but just courteous in how you approach that.

We definitely want to hear it because you matter to me

and I care about what your thoughts are.

And this also feels a little bit like a baby.

Yeah. So I think sometimes a lot can be alleviated by

simply asking for what we need from that person.

And then I've met plenty of people who say,

give it to me straight,

don't sugar coat it.

I don't want anything blowing smoke or anything like that.

Like please just give it to me straight.

So again,

yeah, that depends on how you operate,

how you prefer to receive feedback.

You know,

you also get people who are condom sending,

like it's like,

Oh, that's so sweet.

You're going to turn your hobby into a business.

You know,

that kind of tone.

And Oh my gosh,

that just grinds me.

For some people it really feels him in like,

Oh yeah,

watch me.

But other people it's like,

Oh yeah,

I shouldn't be thinking about this in the first place.

Yeah. My whole come from in my business is a lot

around speaking up and being vocal about things like that.

So I call that stuff out really quite quickly.

Like, do I sense some like a condescending tone there?

Or do you not take this sort of a business seriously?

Or like I would really contest that.

Yeah, call them on it.

I don't find that an acceptable way to treat people.

No. Okay.

Well I like that cause that's nice,

short and sweet.

Like seriously,

you know,

if you're my friend,

why would you say it that way?

Yeah. Yeah.

And it's amazing to me because in my community there are

some people who have products that even,

I'm like,

Ooh, I just don't know if it's going to work.

But then come Monday,

like in our Facebook group,

there'll be like,

yeah, I sold out of everything.

And it's like,

okay, clearly I'm not their customer,

but look,

they're being successful.

That's right.

So who am I to speak,

right? Like I'm not their audience sometimes.

That's right.

And I think you're touching on something that I think is

so incredibly important and especially when you start out is you

want everyone and anyone to love what you are creating.

Of course you do.

Of course you do.

And that's not going to be the case.

I mean you,

we just have to make peace with the fact that we're

not for everybody.

But what you have to remember is those customers are not

for you either.

So it works out perfectly.

When I first started my business,

I obviously am a little bit more brazen.

I'm a little more forthright and I'm obviously not doing anything

of this nature on this show,

but I tend to be a bit of a swear bear

and I don't watch my language.

I don't have any trouble being that.

And there are people who that is not for them.

And so I'm like,

great, cause then you're not for me either.

And it works out perfectly.

I've realized that if I wanted to be vanilla and attract

absolutely everybody,

okay, great.

But that's not me.

I'm like mint and chip with butter pecan and then some

swirls and I want that type of a customer as well.

And what I have found is that the more anchored you

are into not making excuses or not deviating from who you

really are in your brand,

the more you attract your perfect person,

the right person for you.

Yeah, I mean that would be some huge advice that I

would give you is do what feels right for you.

Do what feels really in alignment with what you believe in

your values,

Right? And you're going to attract the right people for your

product when you make the right mix.

And it's okay if people walk away from your craft table

and they're like,

ah nah,

that's okay.

Because there are enough people who will say yes.

But this leads me to another question here,

which is let's say we're going,

we are having the courage,

we're afraid.

We go to a craft show,

we've got the booth set up,

everything is fine.

How do we present a confident persona when underneath we are

freaking out?

Ooh, this is a great question.

There is an awesome Ted talk about this by Amy Cuddy.

I don't know if you've seen it.

It's specifically about how body language influences our emotional current and

how we feel.

And in that Ted talk she talks about power poses and

how we can actually affect how we feel in our bodies,

particularly confidence if we stand in postures that are embodying confidence

to begin with.

So a couple of them are ubiquitous.

One is sort of the victory pose where you have your

arms up in a V shape,

which is really interesting because they talk about how whether or

not you are able to see or if you are blind,

everyone when they win something,

they tend to put their arms up in that exact same

formation. So it's indicative of victory.

Another is sort of the wonder woman pose the hands on

the hips,

legs kind of slightly spread sort of feeling.

So there's a whole slew of them.

So what you can do prior to going into an event

like that,

even in the bathroom,

like just doing a couple of victory poses,

doing some wonder woman poses,

but then also speaking to yourself in a way that's powerful

and one of the things that I've done because I did

a lot of community theater in my past is I would

speak to my fear.

I would speak to sort of the racing heart to the

sweaty palms to the dry mouth before I would go on

an audition and I would tell my body,

thank you so much for coming to my rescue.

You think that we're actually in danger.

We're actually not in danger.

We're just doing something new so I get it.

You're registering this,

this fear,

we're okay,

we're not being threatened in any way.

You've got this,

we've got this.

And then focusing on what you know and what you're able

to speak to and having,

I call it gearing up like having specific things that you

want to say or engage people with at that event and

like conversation or things that you want to share with them.

Almost always,

if you just talk to them about them,

like what they're wearing,

what their day has been like.

People love to talk about themselves.

So it's an easier way than you would try to break

down the chemical compound of the materials that you used in

your product.

Right. And they're probably less than interested in that anyway.

Right? That's right.

You're going to lose people that way.

Absolutely. So I mean,

and the other thing is,

no matter what,

like let's say you did a craft show and you sold

nothing, okay?

If you're engaging with people or you're just observing what they're

looking at,

you're going to walk away with so much valuable information.

So let's say,

you know,

a craft show isn't always sales.

It's like one big test tube,

if you will,

or focus group on your product.

So no matter what,

if you do a craft show,

trade show,

you know,

if you're going for wholesale,

whatever, you're going to walk away with a bunch of information.

And also I just want to mention,

look at the show notes,

give business owners,

and I'm going to find that Ted talk.

Amy Cuddy's Ted talk and link it there so you can

see what Amy's referencing in terms of the visual poses.

Cause I'm sure she's demonstrating all of those in her talk.

Yeah, it's really fascinating.

Wonderful. Perfect.

Now I noticed that when you were going through how you

should talk to yourself,

you're doing it as if you're a third person.

Is there a reason to do it that way?

Did you do that specifically?

Yes, I did.

Actually. There's been more recent psychological research that has shown that

if we speak positively to ourselves in a third person,

almost like an outside cheerleader,

it tends to be more palatable to our brain.

So think about also when we are negative to ourselves.

I don't know if you do this where if you spill

something you're like,

gosh darn it,

Amy, or Oh Sue,

wow, why couldn't you just be less clumsy or something?

A lot of times we call ourselves by name when we're

being negative and I think that it can also partially STEM

from a family of origin or things you may have experienced

as a child being in trouble as a child.

But it can also have the same effects.

Like for example,

if you were wanting to start saying really positive things to

yourself and you want to say,

I believe that I am enough,

that usually is a little harder for us to attach to

then saying,

listen to me Amy,

you are enough.

Almost like you can separate yourself a little bit voyeuristically and

it's like somebody else is cheerleading you on.

It almost feels more credible because it's almost as if it's

not you.

It's another person saying that.

Exactly. So it's kind of standing outside of yourself and giving

yourself a little pep talk.

So yeah,

if you can use sort of that third person,

and again it's personal development cause it's personal,

right? So some things will work for some people and so

it really,

all that matters is if it really resonates with you and

if it's something that you can attach to.

So a lot of times I think positive affirmations don't work

for people as well as could because you're asking somebody to

go from a to Z right away and they don't believe

that there are enough.

They don't believe that they can conquer fear.

They don't believe that what they have matters.

So you can also use something that I call a progressive

language where you say something that's indicative of,

I'm on my way to,

so something like I am exploring what it looks like to

be confident in my business or I am on the way

to figuring out what I want for this career.

So something where you're saying,

I'm exploring,

I'm open to,

I'm working on,

I'm embracing something that's progressive and that tends to be more

of an a to B jump for people when they're crafting

a positive self talk statement versus that a to Z jump

of affirmations.

Yeah, that kind of references a little bit what you were

talking about in the beginning too.

Just the baby steps of courage.

Taking a small courage step versus things that are doable and

then when you've achieved it,

you feel stronger and then you're ready to take maybe another

baby step or maybe even a little bigger step.

Exactly. That's how confidence is built.

You don't accumulate confidence and then go after your dreams.

You accumulate confidence by taking action,

sometimes failing,

sometimes succeeding,

but continuing with that action.

That's big.

That's really big.

Okay. I want to touch on just one more thing that

I think,

I mean there's a lot of things that hold people up.

One more big bucket here and that is being afraid of

what other people think of you when you're trying to do

this. When you're stepping out clearly stepping out of your comfort

zone or when you're introducing things that you've made to people,

it's like,

Oh my gosh,

what are they going to think?

Do I even want to do it or should I just

take cocooned and forget this whole thing?

How do we overcome that?

Right. Well,

it really depends on what the fear is about because that's

going to indicate what type of links tool or strategy that

you're going to use.

But one of the things that I'll say that could be

really helpful for people is a lot of times we think

that we're responsible for everybody else's opinions and their feelings around

the matter.

So, for example,

some of the stuff we were talking about earlier,

if people are really to condescending about,

Oh, how cute you're going to make that into a business

or the family who says you should have gone into medicine

like everybody else or why didn't you want to do the

family business or whatever else it may be.

You have to recognize that most of the time what we're

experiencing in those moments is just straight up discomfort is that

that person has an opinion that's different than mine.

And when we experienced discomfort,

we usually go one of two ways.

We either go,

okay, yeah,

you're right and we let them kind of bulldoze us or

we try to keep fighting for our perspective.

We keep going and go like,

no, but you don't get it.

But no,

it's totally a viable marketplace and we want to prove ourselves.

So if you recognize that you are responsible for your intention,

not your reception,

that will change everything.

If your intention is to show up to a family function,

let's say and just be proud of the woman that you

are or the business owner that you are and you are

more than happy to engage conversation with people if they're genuinely

interested and respectful,

but if they're not,

you're going to shut it down.

That's your intention.

You know how to handle yourself,

how you are received on all of those various,

that spectrum where some people might be thrilled,

some people might be indifferent,

some people might think you're an idiot.

None of those things are your responsibility.

Now your responsibility is to handle yourself in a way that

you are proud instead of being so concerned about the reception,

and that can happen even as something as simple as going

on a sales call or a potential job interview or something

like that where you're so concerned about what the other person

thinks. Switch your perspective into how do I need to show

up in order to be proud of Amy or in order

to be proud of SU,

like what will make me proud of myself come tomorrow when

I wake up after this event is over.

Not the things that I can't control,

which is what people are going to say or do or

feel, but what will make me proud of how I've behaved,

how I've shown up that can change everything.

Okay. And then I'm thinking also if you encounter that cause

you could go in feeling really super strong,

feeling good,

your intention is great and someone says something derogatory or nasty

to you.

That's also where this third party talk and come back and,

and, and say,

no, you know that's not true.

Like talk to yourself about it in that moment to sure.

So that you can stay with your initial intention.

That's right.

Well one of the things that I,

again, this comes back to the emotional intelligence because I think

in those moments we want that to not hurt and it

does, it straight up hurts.

And so I think we need to acknowledge that.

But untether that from meaning anything about your business,

your success,

your enoughness,

your worthiness.

Because usually we take those negative comments and we make this

jump all the way to,

I'll never be successful.

I'm not creative,

I'm not good enough,

I'm not.

And all that is is that person's one isolated opinion that

was really painful and hurtful.

So what I usually say in my head is,

okay, that sucks,

or that hurt,

but I don't suck.

That situation sucks.

That comment sucks,

but I don't suck.

And it's separating and acknowledging like that carries an impact that

hurts and it's okay to hurt,

but it's not okay for that comment.

That's not your truth to derail what you really want to

do in this world.

I think this point alone,

like just living,

forget about even connected with business because it's so often one

statement from one person can ruin your entire night and you

dwell on it and the next day you think it and

then you think it's real and all of that.

So your demonstration here of saying no,

that's not true.

And, and you're not making that big leap is huge.

Right along with all the other gold you've given us here,

you're clearly in the right profession.

Amy, can I Just say that?

Oh, thank you.

I mean really,

really helpful.

Helpful hints here for us.

Is there any other big bucket of fear that we haven't

talked about here that we should just slip in at the

end or are we good?

Ooh, you know,

I danced around it a little bit at the beginning,

but it's this idea that if I do really speak up

for myself or if I do say like,

Hey, that was a really hurtful comment,

that we are somehow being malicious and we have to separate

this idea of assertiveness equaling being mean or equaling being malicious.

So for example,

speaking up to somebody who does say like,

Oh, how cute or how sweet of your business or something

like that.

Just say,

wow, I'm not sure if that was your intention,

but that came across a bit condescending.

What did you mean by that?

And knowing that those small increments of us saying those things

out loud,

that's you fighting for your worth.

That's you saying,

Hey, my wants opinions and needs matter just as much as

yours. And that's a self worth piece that's believing in your

own intrinsic value.

So we danced around it a little bit,

but I thought that might warrant underlining.

I like that a lot.

And I also think that there's a way to say the

same message.

Like it is very direct and attacking.

If you say,

wow, aren't you condescending?

Right. Versus this is what it made me feel right now.

So if you stay with what your feelings in the effect

was, you can give the message and not put someone on

the defensive.

Totally. You get your point across,

but you don't totally attack them either.

Yeah, absolutely.

And you can always ask just with a question like,

Oh, I'm not sure what you mean by that.

Like how cute can you say a little more like you

can ask them to explain them.

You know,

asking a question can be really simple too.

Good. Wonderful.

Love that.

So share a little bit about the joy junkie and everything

that you have going on there.

Okay. I have one primary focus in my business and it's

a program called deep down and dirty and it's a pretty

massively transformational program.

It's really a lot about the internal piece of believing that

you're worthy,

that you're enough letting go of the self doubt and constant

people pleasing,

constant perfectionism.

So it's a lot of those internal components.

And then it's also paired with the external pieces of how

do I now communicate that with the world?

What does that look like as far as boundaries saying no

tough conversations,

that sort of a thing.

Standing up with family,

which is a huge issue for most people.

So that I decided probably about two years ago to only

do that.

I got to the point where I didn't want to do

small little classes anymore or work one off with a client.

I wanted to only do a transformational process.

So that's what I do now.

And I'm also just finishing a hypnotherapy program and after that

I'll be going into an NLP program that I'm really excited

about. But those components,

both the hypnotherapy as well as the NLP will be infused

into the deep and dirty program just to continue to elevate

it and then working on a book.

So yeah,

that's kind of what I do over in my little corner

of the internet.

Ooh, that is exciting.

Well listen,

I have something on the podcast called the past guest spotlight.

Oh cool.

And you know,

once our show's done and time has gone on,

when you integrate some of those things in,

let me know because I share what's happening with past guests

in future shows.

Oh, that's nice.

Awesome. That's a way we can keep up with you in

addition to people just coming and finding you directly.

Of course.

Brilliant. Yeah.

So where would someone come and find everything about the joy

junkie? Where,

what's the best place to go online?

Probably my website is kind of the hub and that is

just the joy.

junky.com junkie is J.

U N K,

I. E.

But you'll see there,

I have a free workshop you can attend like a master

class that talks a lot more about what I do.

And some of the five key shifts that one needs to

make in order to relinquish some of this stuff,

like around fear and people pleasing,

et cetera.

There's a free workbook there for you.

I have a podcast that I've done,

but you can find all of that there.

And my handle is the joy junkie on pretty much all

platforms, but I hang out on Instagram the most.

Yeah, so lots of fun freebies there.

Perfect. And you guys,

if you're okay with some different types of wording,

colorful language,

language, well that,

and if you've liked what we've talked about here and you're

into this type of conversation,

you definitely have to go listen to Amy and Mr.

Smith, your hubby right over at the joy junky.

It's an excellent,

excellent podcast.

I've learned so much.

I'm like starting to just like listen to every episode now

I have to start from way back with you.

Oh my gosh.

Don't go too far back.

They're much better at that,

aren't you?

Suddenly, well,

that's how it always is,

right? Yeah.

Yeah, definitely.

Wonderful. Well thank you.

You have given us so much value here and by goal

of trying to help somebody who just hasn't been able to

get off the dime,

every single thing that you've talked about is so doable,

makes so much sense,

and I'm sure resonates with everybody here.

So on behalf of myself and all my listeners,

thank you so much for being on the show today.

Oh, I had a blast too.

Thank you.

So I want a commitment from you that the next time

you're scared could be something in your business or personal that

you'll look fear in the face,

accept and even embrace the feeling and move forward.

Anyway, promise.

Do I have your word?

I'll even go one better.

If you want a DME with your specific fear,

let's walk through it together.

I'm at gift biz unwrapped on Instagram and I'm serious.

Send me a message and let's get you past this being

stalled by your fears.

Next week we're going to be putting the customer in control.

Yes, yes.

We all talk about being customer focused,

but this is different.

I hope you join me next week when I'll fill in

the gaps.

I want to make sure you're familiar with my free Facebook

group called gift is breeze.

It's a place where we all gather and our community to

support each other.

Got a really fun post in there.

That's my favorite of the week,

I have to say where I invite all of you to

share what you're doing,

to show pictures of your product,

to show what you're working on for the week,

to get reactions from other people and just for fun because

we all get to see the wonderful products that everybody in

the community is making.

My favorite post every single week without doubt,

wait, what aren't you part of the group already?

If not,

make sure to jump over to Facebook and search for the

group gift biz breeze.

Don't delay.