256 – How to Manage Through Fear in All Areas of Your Life with Amy Smith of The Joy Junkie
Amy is a certified confidence coach, masterful speaker, and personal empowerment expert.
Founder of TheJoyJunkie, Amy uses her roles as coach, writer, podcaster, and speaker to move individuals to a place of radical personal empowerment and self-love.
With acute focus on helping people “find their voice,” she is highly sought after for her uncommon style of irreverence, wisdom, and humor and has been a featured expert on Fox 5 San Diego and YourTango.
BUSINESS BUILDING INSIGHTS
- You can’t eradicate fear when you put yourself out there or when you’re trying something new in your business. But you can contend with it in a powerful way. Be fear optimized.
- Honor how you operate. Understand what makes you feel safe.
- Break down goals into mini-goals. Taking baby steps allows you to accumulate successes.
- The phrase “I don’t know” doesn’t move you forward. Actively search for solutions.
- Acknowledge first what you’re afraid of and then choose your courageous path.
- Look at the key players in your life and see if they are capable of the support you need and who can bring out the champion in you.
- One way to speak through fear is using victory poses.
- You accumulate confidence by taking actions.
- Believe in your own intrinsic value.
RESOURCES MENTIONED
Power Poses – Amy Cuddy
CONTACT LINKS
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Thank so much! Sue
Transcript
You're listening to gift biz unwrapped episode 256 every single person
Speaker:in this world experiences fear,
Speaker:so it's not that we are ever going to eradicate fear
Speaker:or get rid of it.
Speaker:It's that we must contend with it in a more powerful
Speaker:way. Attention gifters,
Speaker:bakers, crafters,
Speaker:and makers pursuing your dream can be fun.
Speaker:Whether you have an established business or looking to start one
Speaker:now you are in the right place.
Speaker:This is gift to biz unwrapped,
Speaker:helping you turn your skill into a flourishing business.
Speaker:Join us for an episode packed full of invaluable guidance,
Speaker:resources and the support you need to grow your gift biz.
Speaker:Here is your host gift biz gal,
Speaker:Sue moon Heights there.
Speaker:It's Sue and thanks for joining me on the show today.
Speaker:Before we jump into the big,
Speaker:big, big topic I have lined up,
Speaker:I want to share with you a past guest spotlight this
Speaker:week. It's a net pardon of fill my jar,
Speaker:the most amazing tophi and caramels you'll ever experience.
Speaker:You can hear her story back at episode 172 and of
Speaker:course I'll have a direct link in the show notes for
Speaker:you as well.
Speaker:Go listen,
Speaker:if you want to know more about using popups as a
Speaker:major sales activity,
Speaker:particularly great for new exposure and instant sales.
Speaker:So catch this.
Speaker:A net just purchased a building and we'll be opening her
Speaker:brick and mortar store this spring.
Speaker:The location is perfect.
Speaker:It's right off the train and a few blocks away from
Speaker:Brookfield zoo,
Speaker:which is the large zoo here in the Chicago area.
Speaker:Her additional plan is to get involved with the community and
Speaker:particularly with special needs children and adults.
Speaker:How exactly,
Speaker:she's not sure yet,
Speaker:but I know she'll figure it out.
Speaker:Congratulations in that and you know we're all wishing you the
Speaker:best as you build out the store and open for business.
Speaker:A trip to the zoo this summer is definitely now on
Speaker:my calendar.
Speaker:Moving on to the topic of the day,
Speaker:fear, fear with a big capital F.
Speaker:I really think this is the biggest obstacle we all have
Speaker:that stands in our way of achieving our dreams.
Speaker:We're afraid of failure,
Speaker:so it's better to just not even try.
Speaker:We fear what people will think of us if we put
Speaker:ourselves out there so it's just better to stay silent and
Speaker:our very own inner critic,
Speaker:that little mean girl isn't very helpful either.
Speaker:She sits in our mind and tells us all the ways
Speaker:we aren't cut out for something or that we don't have
Speaker:what it takes with all this.
Speaker:It's amazing how any of us move forward and realize our
Speaker:dreams at all.
Speaker:But guess what many of us do and so can you.
Speaker:I feel indebted to our guests today because Amy tackles this
Speaker:fear problem in a whole new way.
Speaker:She explains why we experience fear and even more importantly how
Speaker:to deal with it in a real life way,
Speaker:not through theory or just saying to yourself not to be
Speaker:scared, but with advice that really can move you past dream
Speaker:shattering inactivity.
Speaker:Amy, take it away Today.
Speaker:It is my pleasure to introduce you to Amy E.
Speaker:Smith. Amy is a certified confidence coach,
Speaker:masterful speaker and personal empowerment expert,
Speaker:founder of the joy junkie.
Speaker:Amy uses her roles as coach,
Speaker:writer, podcaster and speaker to move individuals to a place of
Speaker:radical personal empowerment and self-love with acute focus on helping people
Speaker:find their voice.
Speaker:She's highly sought after for her uncommon style of irreverence,
Speaker:wisdom and humor and has been a featured expert on Fox
Speaker:five San Diego and your tango.com
Speaker:Amy, welcome to the gift biz unwrapped podcast.
Speaker:Hi Sue.
Speaker:Thanks for having me.
Speaker:I'm excited to chat today.
Speaker:I'm excited to chat today too,
Speaker:and I know this is going to be one of those
Speaker:episodes that people are going to go back to listen to
Speaker:over and over again,
Speaker:myself included.
Speaker:I'm not telling anybody that topic yet,
Speaker:but they're going to just have to wait for a second
Speaker:because I want to do what has become a tradition here
Speaker:on the show and that is having you describe yourself through
Speaker:a motivational candle.
Speaker:So a little bit of a creative way of learning something
Speaker:different about you.
Speaker:So if you were to help us envision a candle,
Speaker:that would be all you buy color and quote or mantra,
Speaker:I guess I'd say.
Speaker:What would your candle look like?
Speaker:Oh My first thought was that it would definitely have like
Speaker:a lot of Aqua and turquoise and then I thought,
Speaker:who am I kidding?
Speaker:It would have all the colors Tend to be very expressive
Speaker:as far as,
Speaker:well let me just say this,
Speaker:leopard print is my neutral,
Speaker:So I need to work really hard at actually having neutral
Speaker:color in my life.
Speaker:You could even say like that leopard print is my neutral
Speaker:is your motto.
Speaker:I love that.
Speaker:I've never heard that before.
Speaker:I think that's great.
Speaker:I could definitely read my motto,
Speaker:But I think there's a quote that I use all the
Speaker:time in my work and it's by a woman named Irma
Speaker:Kurtz and it says givers have to set limits because takers
Speaker:rarely do.
Speaker:And it's a perspective or kind of mantra that I operate
Speaker:a lot of my business center and it's this idea that
Speaker:if we are not speaking up for ourselves,
Speaker:if we're not contending with fear and looking at it in
Speaker:the face and making powerful,
Speaker:courageous decisions,
Speaker:we end up putting everybody else in front of us.
Speaker:We allow ourselves to say yes to things we don't want
Speaker:to say yes to and we ended up sacrificing a lot
Speaker:of our own happiness.
Speaker:So I think that would be probably the phrase that would
Speaker:be kind of embedded.
Speaker:I think a lot of us can understand that for sure.
Speaker:Do you think everybody does it or do you think there
Speaker:are certain people who have a tendency over others?
Speaker:Well, I'll tell you the two major categories I think people
Speaker:fall into that I see the most is extremely,
Speaker:I guess like an extreme people pleaser,
Speaker:doormat style,
Speaker:always saying as always concerned about everybody else's feelings.
Speaker:And then there's kind of the polar opposite that is extremely
Speaker:assertive, but they don't necessarily assert themselves with kindness.
Speaker:They're more combative and a little bit more stark and intense
Speaker:in their delivery.
Speaker:And that's quite simply because we've bought in as a society
Speaker:to this idea that if you speak up for yourself or
Speaker:if you are assertive,
Speaker:then you're actually being kind of mean or malicious or adversarial
Speaker:in some way.
Speaker:But to answer your question,
Speaker:I think it really comes down to our primitive responses.
Speaker:Some people tend to be more of the flee type when
Speaker:they feel threatened and some people are the fight type when
Speaker:they feel threatened.
Speaker:And then there's the small grouping that tends to freeze.
Speaker:But I think it's part of our wiring.
Speaker:So you know,
Speaker:this idea of being fear less when you create your business
Speaker:or when you put yourself out there or when you try
Speaker:a new design concept or something like that is really irrational.
Speaker:Like we're not going to ever be without fear,
Speaker:but we can choose how we contend with it regardless of
Speaker:what your response tends to be.
Speaker:If it's okay,
Speaker:just let's do everything for everyone else or being kind of
Speaker:a bulldozer,
Speaker:you can definitely contend with fear in a different way that's
Speaker:more powerful.
Speaker:Okay. Well I definitely want to dive more into fear and
Speaker:I think that's going to become one of the big topics
Speaker:here today,
Speaker:but before we really go into it to that level,
Speaker:I'm really curious,
Speaker:how did you get into coaching in the beginning?
Speaker:Are you coming from another profession or training or how did
Speaker:you land here?
Speaker:Yeah, that's a great question.
Speaker:So I have been working in personal development probably for almost
Speaker:15 years now,
Speaker:about 10 plus that I've been doing it solely.
Speaker:And my background prior to that was in makeup artistry and
Speaker:I had done the whole working your way up the corporate
Speaker:ladder. I worked for a prestige makeup brand and I think
Speaker:by all accounts I had the quote,
Speaker:big girl job.
Speaker:I was traveling all over and had an assistant and a
Speaker:company car and all this fancy stuff for being in my
Speaker:early twenties it was quite accomplished.
Speaker:And I remember I had this very poignant moment where I
Speaker:was driving home from one of my stores and at the
Speaker:time this was early two thousands we did all of our
Speaker:correspondence via Bluetooth while I'm driving and we have this a
Speaker:really elaborate voicemail system.
Speaker:So I was constantly leaving messages for my managers and my
Speaker:teams and all of that.
Speaker:And so what that meant is pretty much all my commutes.
Speaker:I was working as well.
Speaker:And I had this very pivotal moment where Kelly Clarkson's breakaway
Speaker:came on the radio.
Speaker:And so that,
Speaker:again, it gives you context of the timeframe.
Speaker:And I had sort of this epiphany,
Speaker:not just because the song was so resonant with where I
Speaker:was at,
Speaker:but because it had been ages since I had even afforded
Speaker:myself the simple pleasure of listening to music in my car.
Speaker:And it dawned on me like,
Speaker:you don't even listen to music anymore cause you're so enraptured
Speaker:and engulfed in this career.
Speaker:And I just start bawling my eyes out.
Speaker:I'm kind of like scream crying like a break.
Speaker:I'll spread my wigs and I had false lashes kind of
Speaker:sliding down my face.
Speaker:I really kind of looked like the joker.
Speaker:It's not bubbles there,
Speaker:I'm sure.
Speaker:So I get home and my husband's like appalled,
Speaker:like, Oh my gosh,
Speaker:what happened to you?
Speaker:I held up my fingers and I was like,
Speaker:I am this close to completely losing who I am.
Speaker:And that was the distinct moment,
Speaker:sort of the impetus behind me searching for something else.
Speaker:And I realized that if I was going to be working
Speaker:till all hours of the night and if I was going
Speaker:to be so stressed out,
Speaker:I wanted it to be around something that I cared about.
Speaker:That was my passion,
Speaker:that was my dream.
Speaker:And that's really when I started searching.
Speaker:And coincidentally my husband came home one day and said,
Speaker:there's this career.
Speaker:I heard this person on the radio and it's what you've
Speaker:been doing your whole life.
Speaker:You've got to look into it.
Speaker:It's called a life coach.
Speaker:And I was like,
Speaker:really? What?
Speaker:I don't even know.
Speaker:And he felt so convicted about it that he had sent
Speaker:away to a school to get more information about it.
Speaker:And it was like,
Speaker:you need to look into this.
Speaker:You really,
Speaker:he was really quite pushy about it.
Speaker:And now of course he loves that.
Speaker:He was such a huge part of that evolution.
Speaker:And that was really how I started transitioning.
Speaker:But for many people who own their own businesses,
Speaker:I'm sure they can relate and perhaps your story is the
Speaker:same where I had to wean myself off of the quote
Speaker:big girl job or how people go,
Speaker:why don't you get yourself a real job?
Speaker:And you're like,
Speaker:uh, I am.
Speaker:I'm creating that now,
Speaker:which I'm sure we can dig into.
Speaker:So that was very much an interesting transition because I had
Speaker:on one side of my work life I was talking about
Speaker:makeup artistry and something really creative.
Speaker:And then on the other side of my life I was
Speaker:coaching and working with these really deep,
Speaker:intricate fears and desires and things like that.
Speaker:So it was quite the juxtaposition for awhile,
Speaker:but I wouldn't trade it for the world.
Speaker:So the thing that I'm loving about your story is that
Speaker:you totally had your husband's support because he presented it to
Speaker:you in the beginning and were you buying into it once
Speaker:you understood what it was.
Speaker:So it felt good to you right from the start too.
Speaker:And then to know that you had his support just made
Speaker:it all the better.
Speaker:I'm sure.
Speaker:Yes. Yeah.
Speaker:And I like what you're talking about too.
Speaker:And this is a good example for people who are listening
Speaker:because a lot of our listeners also have a nine to
Speaker:five. They might be listening right at their desks right now.
Speaker:Who knows?
Speaker:And I am An advocate of winding one thing down while
Speaker:you're bringing something else up.
Speaker:Some people say,
Speaker:well just jump in with two feet.
Speaker:And I think specially for the industry that we are gifters
Speaker:bakers, crafters makers,
Speaker:that's way too scary and dangerous cause we're putting ourselves out
Speaker:and our personal products on the line and it's just too
Speaker:risky. And when you do that and you need to get
Speaker:those sales in because you need to be paying your monthly
Speaker:bills and all,
Speaker:you start to look more desperate and it's not even any
Speaker:fun anymore.
Speaker:Yeah, it might be your baby,
Speaker:but it's no fun.
Speaker:So I love that you talking about winding down one,
Speaker:ramping up the next one and then eventually letting the other
Speaker:release. That's right.
Speaker:How did that happen?
Speaker:How long did it take?
Speaker:That took a couple of years.
Speaker:I worked very much in increments and I will say that
Speaker:I completely concur with you,
Speaker:with the exception of people who will not get into any
Speaker:action unless they go cold Turkey.
Speaker:Because I do think that there are a select few people
Speaker:who have to pull the rug out from under themselves or
Speaker:they will never,
Speaker:ever, ever make a change.
Speaker:No, I'm not wired like that.
Speaker:That scares the crap out of me.
Speaker:I need this stability.
Speaker:I need the structure.
Speaker:I need to account for everything.
Speaker:But I have met a handful of people who really have
Speaker:had to take that massive leap because they knew they wouldn't
Speaker:if they didn't have to force themselves into it.
Speaker:Interesting. Yeah.
Speaker:So I think it's about honoring how you operate,
Speaker:like really understanding what makes you feel safe.
Speaker:And I think that's different for everybody.
Speaker:I had a really good fortune because I resigned out of
Speaker:the higher profile position that I was in.
Speaker:And then I worked for one of our pro store locations
Speaker:in a retail aspect.
Speaker:And what was great about that is I could then start
Speaker:dropping down in days.
Speaker:So I originally worked five days and then coached on my
Speaker:two days off and was working on marketing and websites and
Speaker:all of those things on those two days.
Speaker:And then I swapped it for four days and three days
Speaker:and I kept kind of weaning myself off the day job
Speaker:because I did have that good fortune of being able to
Speaker:step down in hours.
Speaker:But at one point then it becomes you need to supply,
Speaker:do our medical insurance too.
Speaker:Right? Cause I was carrying that for the family.
Speaker:So there were certain things that I had to incrementally bite
Speaker:off and so those became the goals.
Speaker:It was okay,
Speaker:I need to make just enough in my coaching world so
Speaker:that I can make sure I pay for our benefits or
Speaker:I can make sure I pay for my own coach.
Speaker:Or I looked at it from a very formulaic way and
Speaker:really did all the number crunching and decide,
Speaker:okay, what has to happen and broke it down into small
Speaker:mini goals.
Speaker:But prior to any of that,
Speaker:before I did any of that,
Speaker:my first goal was just to make enough money to pay
Speaker:for my own coach,
Speaker:which was a requirement for the coaching certification that I went
Speaker:through. And then it just kind of elevated from there.
Speaker:So I think also when you listen to podcasts like this
Speaker:or you see people who have really built some really incredible
Speaker:establishment, it's easy to get down on yourself and go,
Speaker:gosh, I'm at square one.
Speaker:Oh my gosh,
Speaker:what am I going to do?
Speaker:And you really have to do these baby steps in order
Speaker:to, it's the compound effect you keep accumulating.
Speaker:And accumulating these successes.
Speaker:And then before you know it,
Speaker:you've got this thriving business,
Speaker:but you have to temper yourself from that comparison to where
Speaker:everybody else is at.
Speaker:Yeah, I mean your example sounds like the perfect template if
Speaker:you ask me,
Speaker:because also while you were going through your certification,
Speaker:you're also validating that this is really what you want to
Speaker:be doing because you know it might sound good from the
Speaker:outside, but then when you actually get into it,
Speaker:what does this involve and actually start doing it.
Speaker:What if you didn't like it?
Speaker:Right? I mean you never really know until you get started.
Speaker:That's true.
Speaker:So just the stair stepping I think is really great.
Speaker:And unfortunately you're saying that some people just jump in because
Speaker:that's the only way they're going to get something done.
Speaker:Some people,
Speaker:even if they're not really conditioned to do that,
Speaker:end up having to jump in because they've been released from
Speaker:their nine to five.
Speaker:Right? They've been downsized.
Speaker:And then what do you do?
Speaker:And luckily in this economy right now,
Speaker:I think there are jobs,
Speaker:but there are times when there aren't.
Speaker:So it's almost like the only thing that you can do,
Speaker:right, so everyone has different situations obviously and people have made
Speaker:it work regardless of the situation they start from.
Speaker:I think that's a big point completely.
Speaker:I have to Mentioned and obviously I had a really seamless
Speaker:situation. There is a gal who I just graduated with.
Speaker:We both went through the same hypnotherapy program and she has
Speaker:I believe three children.
Speaker:She had no vehicle And she was also diagnosed with cancer
Speaker:and she took a bus to the training every after her
Speaker:work every single day and ended up being like on the
Speaker:Dean's list and winning this prestigious award for all of her
Speaker:dedication and her cancer is in remission and it's just incredible
Speaker:what's possible when you made that definitive decision of I'm going
Speaker:to make this happen for my life.
Speaker:I've heard this great quote of you either make time or
Speaker:you make excuses and that's really what it comes down to
Speaker:if you want it bad enough.
Speaker:Right, Right.
Speaker:Yeah. You've got to have the passion for it,
Speaker:and you have to have the reason why you're doing it,
Speaker:which is over and above the reason you're providing for your
Speaker:customers. It's why you're doing it for yourself.
Speaker:What does it personally fulfill within you?
Speaker:Yes, because that's what you need for the passion to keep
Speaker:going. That's absolutely right.
Speaker:Okay, so let's dive into this.
Speaker:Amy, and I want to kind of lay the groundwork here
Speaker:because when we first connected and I was reading up about
Speaker:you and all of that,
Speaker:I'm like,
Speaker:Oh my gosh,
Speaker:you have to be on the show because you can really
Speaker:help us out with where a lot of people get stuck.
Speaker:I run into all the time,
Speaker:whether I'm out at trade shows or I'm speaking,
Speaker:or people are calling in or whatever.
Speaker:I hear about many people who want to start their business,
Speaker:and the first answer,
Speaker:this is like the topline excuse.
Speaker:I don't know what to do.
Speaker:Okay? So that's the first thing,
Speaker:and that's where I can help because that's what my purpose
Speaker:is. Okay,
Speaker:here's how we get started.
Speaker:Here's a proven method,
Speaker:et cetera,
Speaker:et cetera.
Speaker:However, some of those people won't even start.
Speaker:And I know it's because of fear.
Speaker:I know they either don't have the confidence,
Speaker:they can see that it can happen for everybody else,
Speaker:right? We have guests on the show who are showing over
Speaker:and over again their situation and how they've started their business
Speaker:and what's happening and the growth and all of that.
Speaker:But we have some people who just won't get off the
Speaker:dime. And I think really it's fear.
Speaker:So can you help us with this?
Speaker:Sure. Well,
Speaker:the first thing to understand about all of that is,
Speaker:well, I'll give you a little hack on the,
Speaker:I don't know what to do.
Speaker:That phrasing,
Speaker:I don't know what to do or I don't know.
Speaker:I don't know is an end statement.
Speaker:It's basically a place where you can keep wallowing in this
Speaker:vortex of like,
Speaker:Oh God,
Speaker:I don't know.
Speaker:I don't know.
Speaker:I don't know.
Speaker:And it doesn't progress you forward.
Speaker:So one of the simplest things that you can do,
Speaker:if that's something that you say is to follow it up
Speaker:with the addendum of,
Speaker:but I'm going to figure it out,
Speaker:or I'm actively searching out my solution,
Speaker:or I'm in the process of creating,
Speaker:I don't know,
Speaker:but I'm in the process of finding out,
Speaker:I will figure it out or I'm capable of sourcing it.
Speaker:Something like that where we are still continuing a forward movement.
Speaker:It's okay to not be clear,
Speaker:but it's not okay to stay stagnant if there's a dream
Speaker:that's going to die within you.
Speaker:Right? Like we still need to continue to move on.
Speaker:So using something like that can also be kind of a
Speaker:quick little fear Buster because that,
Speaker:I don't know excuse can really take hold.
Speaker:Well, it's kind of setting it in an intent to so
Speaker:because if,
Speaker:if you've been using this,
Speaker:and this has just been your excuse,
Speaker:like I'll hear a million people,
Speaker:I'm going to write a book someday.
Speaker:Well, you know,
Speaker:10 years later they're still going to write a book someday.
Speaker:Yes. Same thing with starting a business.
Speaker:I love this end statement then leading to an additional statement
Speaker:because it's setting intention that are,
Speaker:here's where I am,
Speaker:but this is what I'm going to do about it.
Speaker:That's right.
Speaker:And it takes you subconsciously from a place of victimhood,
Speaker:like this is happening to me and I don't know what
Speaker:to do and blah,
Speaker:blah, blah,
Speaker:to a place of survivor and power,
Speaker:personal power where you kind of go,
Speaker:Oh, but I'm going to make this happen,
Speaker:but I'm going to source the right mentors or the right
Speaker:materials or whatever it is in order to help me progress.
Speaker:So that's one small thing.
Speaker:The thing to really understand about fear is that it doesn't
Speaker:matter what race you are,
Speaker:what ethnicity,
Speaker:what sex you are,
Speaker:what, how you identify every single person in this world experiences
Speaker:fear. So it's not that we are ever going to eradicate
Speaker:fear or get rid of it,
Speaker:it's that we must contend with it in a more powerful
Speaker:way. So I'm not a big fan of the word fearless
Speaker:because from what I understand,
Speaker:there's only been one documented case of a woman who actually
Speaker:did not experience fear.
Speaker:And unless you are she listening to this radio or listening
Speaker:to this episode right now,
Speaker:then you're going to be dealing with it.
Speaker:So I have coined this term being fear optimized to make
Speaker:as useful and as effective as possible.
Speaker:If we're going to have this fear,
Speaker:let's make it useful.
Speaker:And I think the best way to do that is to
Speaker:stand in a place of courage.
Speaker:And you have to acknowledge what you are afraid of first
Speaker:of all,
Speaker:before you can decide that you're going to move courageously forward
Speaker:and in spite of that fear.
Speaker:So an example of that might be if you've been really
Speaker:having this trepidation about starting a new business,
Speaker:let's say,
Speaker:and let's say you're really,
Speaker:really passionate about pottery,
Speaker:but then you also really,
Speaker:really love jewelry and you don't know if you should combine
Speaker:them, if you should just do one thing.
Speaker:And so you've gotten yourself all in this,
Speaker:I don't know.
Speaker:I don't know.
Speaker:I don't know.
Speaker:So take some time and look at what am I really
Speaker:afraid of.
Speaker:So actually defining it,
Speaker:because I think a lot of people are just afraid,
Speaker:but they never really understand what's behind it.
Speaker:Is that what you're talking about?
Speaker:Absolutely. Because fear is an emotion.
Speaker:So we feel it,
Speaker:but we haven't necessarily unpacked it to go,
Speaker:here's what this is actually about,
Speaker:because when you think about it,
Speaker:primitively we experience fear when we think that we're in some
Speaker:kind of danger.
Speaker:Now that has now evolved where we're not actually in danger
Speaker:of losing our life,
Speaker:like at the hands of a saber tooth tiger in days
Speaker:of old.
Speaker:Right? But we feel that way.
Speaker:If somebody doesn't like our new design,
Speaker:we think,
Speaker:Oh my gosh,
Speaker:that must mean I'm going to die.
Speaker:That's what's happening on a subconscious level.
Speaker:I know that sounds totally hyperbolic,
Speaker:but that's true.
Speaker:Where when somebody doesn't like us,
Speaker:we're afraid of not being accepted into the fold.
Speaker:We're afraid of losing our survival,
Speaker:so we create this total jump to conclusion that we're somehow
Speaker:radically unsafe if somebody doesn't accept us.
Speaker:If a design doesn't get approved,
Speaker:if we don't get a business loan,
Speaker:if a website isn't flawless,
Speaker:we take those fears and we make the mean that we
Speaker:are somehow not going to be successful.
Speaker:And what we really need to do is unpack what is
Speaker:that fear really,
Speaker:truly about so that you can then choose your courageous path,
Speaker:right? So if it's something that's about your own ability,
Speaker:then you need to choose a courageous path that's about your
Speaker:ability. If it's fear of success,
Speaker:then we need to engage with success in a different way
Speaker:and start working on courage as it pertains to that.
Speaker:That's fear of failure.
Speaker:If it's fear of other people's opinions,
Speaker:then we have to tailor our courage to those specific issues.
Speaker:Can you give me an example of that?
Speaker:The tailoring portion?
Speaker:Sure. Well,
Speaker:why don't you tell me what is one of the biggest
Speaker:fears that people say that you hear?
Speaker:One of the biggest fears that I hear,
Speaker:and I don't know for sure if it's always just an
Speaker:excuse, right?
Speaker:But one of the biggest fears is,
Speaker:I'm not sure what the first step is as if there's
Speaker:only one correct.
Speaker:First step.
Speaker:Okay, perfect.
Speaker:Right? Like if they don't land on the correct thing,
Speaker:it's none of it's going to work.
Speaker:Yes. Okay.
Speaker:So a perfect courageous question to ask yourself would be,
Speaker:if I knew the very first step,
Speaker:what would it be?
Speaker:So it could be because we get lost in sort of
Speaker:this crazy vortex of our mind when we actually do know,
Speaker:we know that we could go to Sue's website and we
Speaker:could look at all of her resources.
Speaker:We know that we could check other podcasts that are associated
Speaker:with this podcast.
Speaker:We know that we could do a Google search.
Speaker:There's a lot of stuff that you could actually do,
Speaker:but when you stay stuck in that place,
Speaker:you're allowing fear to win.
Speaker:So the more courageous thing would be to ask yourself,
Speaker:if I did know the first step,
Speaker:what would it be?
Speaker:Or if I didn't have to have the perfect first step,
Speaker:what would it be?
Speaker:That's behaving from a place of courage.
Speaker:Yeah. Or what little action could I take?
Speaker:Absolutely. So maybe they're thinking of a really big first step
Speaker:when really it doesn't have to be that big.
Speaker:It could just be a little foot forward advancing towards that
Speaker:step. Right?
Speaker:Absolutely. It could be totally small.
Speaker:It could even be who is an authority on first steps,
Speaker:right? Like people who help you distill and crystallize your vision.
Speaker:That's one thing that I would have done differently from the
Speaker:very beginning is hire mentors and strategists to help me instead
Speaker:of feeling like I had to do it all on my
Speaker:own. I think that's priceless.
Speaker:And one of the best,
Speaker:best things that you can do is if you're so stuck,
Speaker:hire somebody to get you out of that stuckness.
Speaker:Yeah. Okay.
Speaker:I love this.
Speaker:Okay. So the first thing we have to do is unpack
Speaker:and really define where that fear is coming from.
Speaker:What's underneath that fear.
Speaker:That's right.
Speaker:Okay. And then take some type of a step or action,
Speaker:break it down smaller and do something.
Speaker:I think it all comes back to some action.
Speaker:That's right.
Speaker:You do action.
Speaker:Even though you have fear.
Speaker:We can't be courageous unless we have fear.
Speaker:Yeah. The has to be present in order for us to
Speaker:behave from a place of courage.
Speaker:It's not courageous unless we're contending with something a little bit
Speaker:there. So knowing that,
Speaker:okay, I'm worried to do this crack fair,
Speaker:I'm nervous that nobody's going to buy anything.
Speaker:Okay, well what's the courageous action that I can take?
Speaker:I'm going to go anyway and trust that I needed this
Speaker:experience and I'm in a focus on,
Speaker:I know you're a big fan of law of attraction.
Speaker:I'm going to focus on what I do want instead of
Speaker:what I don't want.
Speaker:So I'm going to picture my booth being saturated with customers
Speaker:with so many inquiries,
Speaker:me being an amazing Alliance that I can help them,
Speaker:they can help me.
Speaker:Something, you know,
Speaker:visualize what you really want to occur.
Speaker:Not necessarily because it's this crazy woo thing,
Speaker:but because now you're occupying your mind with something different.
Speaker:You're occupying your mind with something you do want as opposed
Speaker:to something you don't want.
Speaker:Perfect. Okay.
Speaker:Should we take this more about fear or,
Speaker:I have another question about the craft show booth situation.
Speaker:Which way should we go?
Speaker:You tell me.
Speaker:Let's do that one.
Speaker:Let's do the second more of Amy's great advice coming your
Speaker:way right after a word from our sponsor.
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Speaker:So what happens out?
Speaker:You do everything that you said.
Speaker:You go to the craft show mentally,
Speaker:you're seeing a full booth,
Speaker:people are looking at your product,
Speaker:you get a few sales,
Speaker:but it really doesn't meet your potential.
Speaker:Okay. Of what you had wanted and a goal of some
Speaker:sort. How do you get yourself not to be saying,
Speaker:okay, this did not work.
Speaker:I'm over it.
Speaker:Yes, great question.
Speaker:Well, you have to,
Speaker:I think first of all,
Speaker:give yourself permission to feel what you feel.
Speaker:So if you are disappointed,
Speaker:if you're saddened,
Speaker:if you're frustrated,
Speaker:you need to acknowledge that emotion.
Speaker:Most of the time we don't and that's why we drink
Speaker:or we end up on Facebook for five hours or we
Speaker:throw ourselves into another project without really unpacking what just transpired.
Speaker:And I think it's a piece of emotional intelligence and it's
Speaker:to acknowledge,
Speaker:wow, I really didn't get my way.
Speaker:That hurts.
Speaker:That's unfortunate.
Speaker:And allow yourself to bawl your eyes out or beat the
Speaker:crap out of your bed or a punching bag or go
Speaker:for a run or scribble furiously do something to expel whatever
Speaker:energy you are feeling around that.
Speaker:Let down.
Speaker:Then once that's happened,
Speaker:now you can regroup.
Speaker:Now you can regroup and go,
Speaker:okay, what were the things that were successful and where are
Speaker:some of the pivots that I can make in order to
Speaker:change this?
Speaker:And that could be seeking help from a mentor.
Speaker:That could be a group that you're a part of,
Speaker:like a mastermind.
Speaker:It could be a sourcing articles online,
Speaker:but finding a way for you to look and go,
Speaker:okay, well I really didn't look at how much traffic was
Speaker:going to be at this event.
Speaker:I didn't realize that it was geared more towards home furnishings.
Speaker:There's in that like you do more research,
Speaker:maybe you don't want to do in person events as much
Speaker:as you want to sell online,
Speaker:like who knows?
Speaker:Right, but you have to evaluate what happened.
Speaker:Was it successful?
Speaker:Is it worth it for me?
Speaker:And taking that as information instead of you need to quit.
Speaker:It's okay that didn't work.
Speaker:Now I'm one step closer to something that will work.
Speaker:I think that's so important and this is a concept that
Speaker:I've just recently been diving into more versus trying something.
Speaker:It doesn't work.
Speaker:Then totally disconnecting and trying something else instead trying something,
Speaker:evaluating and adjusting as you're talking about,
Speaker:a lot of people are calling it wash and repeat.
Speaker:Right, but just doing a similar thing with some tweaks because
Speaker:you already have a learning about it versus just closing the
Speaker:book on that and starting something else that may or may
Speaker:not work,
Speaker:but at least giving every experiment a try or two or
Speaker:three before you discount it.
Speaker:Totally. Because that's right.
Speaker:Work the first or second time,
Speaker:but the third time you blow it out of the water
Speaker:And my only caveat with that would be if you're trying
Speaker:a method or a strategy that you absolutely do not like
Speaker:from the beginning,
Speaker:like we were talking,
Speaker:you and I were talking about the influx of podcasts before
Speaker:we started.
Speaker:That's one marketing Avenue.
Speaker:So if you feel like,
Speaker:Oh my gosh,
Speaker:I should do a podcast for my business,
Speaker:but you absolutely hate it.
Speaker:You don't keep finessing.
Speaker:You listen to like,
Speaker:this is not my method.
Speaker:Maybe YouTube channel would be better for me.
Speaker:Or maybe Pinterest is better for me,
Speaker:or maybe paid advertising is better for me or in person
Speaker:networking. So you can still have different strategies.
Speaker:But I think it's about really paying attention to why did
Speaker:I try this strategy?
Speaker:Is it because everyone's telling me to do it?
Speaker:And that's a place of really refining.
Speaker:Does this feel right to me?
Speaker:Is it a matter of just tweaking it?
Speaker:Because no matter what that inner critic is going to come
Speaker:in and say,
Speaker:see, you're not good at this.
Speaker:See, and it will jump to this massive conclusion.
Speaker:And that's when you have to engage with that voice,
Speaker:that voice of fear and say,
Speaker:Hey, no,
Speaker:we tried this.
Speaker:We're going to give it another go.
Speaker:We didn't have enough marketing materials or we didn't get the
Speaker:word out enough,
Speaker:or where our booth,
Speaker:we need to pay for a better location of both.
Speaker:And we're going to tweak some stuff.
Speaker:And of course you're scared and that's okay.
Speaker:Just talking to that voice inside you.
Speaker:So I mean,
Speaker:you talk about the fact that we all have fear,
Speaker:we all also have that inner voice that's not going to
Speaker:be so nice to us sometimes.
Speaker:Right? That's right.
Speaker:And so I guess just accepting that that's going to happen.
Speaker:Yes, you're right.
Speaker:If you don't like what you're doing,
Speaker:don't keep doing it.
Speaker:That's not going to work longterm for sure.
Speaker:But just understanding that,
Speaker:that those things are going to come up and it's exists
Speaker:for all of us,
Speaker:I think is really important.
Speaker:So excellent.
Speaker:That's right.
Speaker:Okay. And so I'm thinking that another reason people have fear,
Speaker:and it's counterproductive for my audience because some of the best
Speaker:people who can buy your product first are friends and family,
Speaker:right? Because they're willing to try your product.
Speaker:Let's say your shopping cart doesn't work.
Speaker:They're going to be much more forgiving.
Speaker:Let's say your design needs a little bit of a tweak.
Speaker:You're going to get valuable information from them,
Speaker:et cetera.
Speaker:But often I see people not wanting to tell anybody that
Speaker:they know that they're starting this business because what if it
Speaker:fails? And so they have the fear of success or failure
Speaker:I guess I would say.
Speaker:And so they want to just keep it in.
Speaker:They're like,
Speaker:well, I'm going to tell everybody when it's going really well
Speaker:when the very people who could help jumpstart the business or
Speaker:the people you're not talking to.
Speaker:Right. And it all goes back to the fear.
Speaker:What do you say about that?
Speaker:Well, I think it really depends because I think that there's
Speaker:some way in which we are all wired where,
Speaker:especially as children,
Speaker:we want our parents to come through for us.
Speaker:We want our moms or our dads to be our biggest
Speaker:fans. And I don't think we ever stop wanting that approval.
Speaker:But I don't think that everybody's friends and family are capable
Speaker:of championing you the way that you really need to be
Speaker:championed. So it depends on the nature of the relationship.
Speaker:So one of the things that I would suggest is looking
Speaker:at these key players in your life and looking at are
Speaker:they capable of being the support that I need?
Speaker:Or do you have that parent or that sister who is
Speaker:always like,
Speaker:Oh, you're starting this now,
Speaker:or Oh then that's not the person to go through.
Speaker:That's not the person who is able to hold your biggest
Speaker:vision. That's why I'm such a proponent for peer masterminds,
Speaker:people who are in the same space as you,
Speaker:who can champion you.
Speaker:Because unfortunately,
Speaker:one of the things I see,
Speaker:I don't know if you see it as much,
Speaker:is that family tends to be the worst as far as
Speaker:supporting and getting really getting in the way of these grandiose
Speaker:visions and they want to kind of knock you down.
Speaker:So I think it depends on the nature of the relationship
Speaker:with the family.
Speaker:And what I oftentimes say is speak your truth into ears
Speaker:that can hear you.
Speaker:Not all ears are capable of hearing you.
Speaker:They're always gonna say you should go to medical school or
Speaker:they're always going to say get yourself a real job.
Speaker:Now if they're not and they are incredibly supportive and it's
Speaker:just your fear that's holding you back,
Speaker:that's an opportunity to be fear optimized to say,
Speaker:okay, it's going to take a lot of courage for me
Speaker:to share this with my sister,
Speaker:but I know she will be thrilled for me.
Speaker:And then I think it's a matter of using your words
Speaker:and being very clear about the support that you need.
Speaker:So for instance,
Speaker:if you are really working through some insecurity or some confidence
Speaker:issues to tell your partner or your best friend or your
Speaker:sister or your mom or whoever and say,
Speaker:Hey listen,
Speaker:I'm really,
Speaker:really struggling to get this out in the world and I'm
Speaker:feeling incredibly vulnerable and sensitive.
Speaker:Here's my request.
Speaker:I want to show you what I've been working on.
Speaker:My request is if you have feedback for me that's more
Speaker:constructive. Will you just be really careful with your words?
Speaker:Not because you have to,
Speaker:but because I'm requesting that and I'm just feeling really fragile.
Speaker:And it would mean the world to me.
Speaker:So if you're not totally in your strength to say it,
Speaker:you know,
Speaker:say I'm feeling really sensitive about this,
Speaker:so if you can just be gentle with your feedback,
Speaker:I'd really appreciate that because you matter to me.
Speaker:Gentle but still honest,
Speaker:right? Of course.
Speaker:Honest, honest,
Speaker:but just courteous in how you approach that.
Speaker:We definitely want to hear it because you matter to me
Speaker:and I care about what your thoughts are.
Speaker:And this also feels a little bit like a baby.
Speaker:Yeah. So I think sometimes a lot can be alleviated by
Speaker:simply asking for what we need from that person.
Speaker:And then I've met plenty of people who say,
Speaker:give it to me straight,
Speaker:don't sugar coat it.
Speaker:I don't want anything blowing smoke or anything like that.
Speaker:Like please just give it to me straight.
Speaker:So again,
Speaker:yeah, that depends on how you operate,
Speaker:how you prefer to receive feedback.
Speaker:You know,
Speaker:you also get people who are condom sending,
Speaker:like it's like,
Speaker:Oh, that's so sweet.
Speaker:You're going to turn your hobby into a business.
Speaker:You know,
Speaker:that kind of tone.
Speaker:And Oh my gosh,
Speaker:that just grinds me.
Speaker:For some people it really feels him in like,
Speaker:Oh yeah,
Speaker:watch me.
Speaker:But other people it's like,
Speaker:Oh yeah,
Speaker:I shouldn't be thinking about this in the first place.
Speaker:Yeah. My whole come from in my business is a lot
Speaker:around speaking up and being vocal about things like that.
Speaker:So I call that stuff out really quite quickly.
Speaker:Like, do I sense some like a condescending tone there?
Speaker:Or do you not take this sort of a business seriously?
Speaker:Or like I would really contest that.
Speaker:Yeah, call them on it.
Speaker:I don't find that an acceptable way to treat people.
Speaker:No. Okay.
Speaker:Well I like that cause that's nice,
Speaker:short and sweet.
Speaker:Like seriously,
Speaker:you know,
Speaker:if you're my friend,
Speaker:why would you say it that way?
Speaker:Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker:And it's amazing to me because in my community there are
Speaker:some people who have products that even,
Speaker:I'm like,
Speaker:Ooh, I just don't know if it's going to work.
Speaker:But then come Monday,
Speaker:like in our Facebook group,
Speaker:there'll be like,
Speaker:yeah, I sold out of everything.
Speaker:And it's like,
Speaker:okay, clearly I'm not their customer,
Speaker:but look,
Speaker:they're being successful.
Speaker:That's right.
Speaker:So who am I to speak,
Speaker:right? Like I'm not their audience sometimes.
Speaker:That's right.
Speaker:And I think you're touching on something that I think is
Speaker:so incredibly important and especially when you start out is you
Speaker:want everyone and anyone to love what you are creating.
Speaker:Of course you do.
Speaker:Of course you do.
Speaker:And that's not going to be the case.
Speaker:I mean you,
Speaker:we just have to make peace with the fact that we're
Speaker:not for everybody.
Speaker:But what you have to remember is those customers are not
Speaker:for you either.
Speaker:So it works out perfectly.
Speaker:When I first started my business,
Speaker:I obviously am a little bit more brazen.
Speaker:I'm a little more forthright and I'm obviously not doing anything
Speaker:of this nature on this show,
Speaker:but I tend to be a bit of a swear bear
Speaker:and I don't watch my language.
Speaker:I don't have any trouble being that.
Speaker:And there are people who that is not for them.
Speaker:And so I'm like,
Speaker:great, cause then you're not for me either.
Speaker:And it works out perfectly.
Speaker:I've realized that if I wanted to be vanilla and attract
Speaker:absolutely everybody,
Speaker:okay, great.
Speaker:But that's not me.
Speaker:I'm like mint and chip with butter pecan and then some
Speaker:swirls and I want that type of a customer as well.
Speaker:And what I have found is that the more anchored you
Speaker:are into not making excuses or not deviating from who you
Speaker:really are in your brand,
Speaker:the more you attract your perfect person,
Speaker:the right person for you.
Speaker:Yeah, I mean that would be some huge advice that I
Speaker:would give you is do what feels right for you.
Speaker:Do what feels really in alignment with what you believe in
Speaker:your values,
Speaker:Right? And you're going to attract the right people for your
Speaker:product when you make the right mix.
Speaker:And it's okay if people walk away from your craft table
Speaker:and they're like,
Speaker:ah nah,
Speaker:that's okay.
Speaker:Because there are enough people who will say yes.
Speaker:But this leads me to another question here,
Speaker:which is let's say we're going,
Speaker:we are having the courage,
Speaker:we're afraid.
Speaker:We go to a craft show,
Speaker:we've got the booth set up,
Speaker:everything is fine.
Speaker:How do we present a confident persona when underneath we are
Speaker:freaking out?
Speaker:Ooh, this is a great question.
Speaker:There is an awesome Ted talk about this by Amy Cuddy.
Speaker:I don't know if you've seen it.
Speaker:It's specifically about how body language influences our emotional current and
Speaker:how we feel.
Speaker:And in that Ted talk she talks about power poses and
Speaker:how we can actually affect how we feel in our bodies,
Speaker:particularly confidence if we stand in postures that are embodying confidence
Speaker:to begin with.
Speaker:So a couple of them are ubiquitous.
Speaker:One is sort of the victory pose where you have your
Speaker:arms up in a V shape,
Speaker:which is really interesting because they talk about how whether or
Speaker:not you are able to see or if you are blind,
Speaker:everyone when they win something,
Speaker:they tend to put their arms up in that exact same
Speaker:formation. So it's indicative of victory.
Speaker:Another is sort of the wonder woman pose the hands on
Speaker:the hips,
Speaker:legs kind of slightly spread sort of feeling.
Speaker:So there's a whole slew of them.
Speaker:So what you can do prior to going into an event
Speaker:like that,
Speaker:even in the bathroom,
Speaker:like just doing a couple of victory poses,
Speaker:doing some wonder woman poses,
Speaker:but then also speaking to yourself in a way that's powerful
Speaker:and one of the things that I've done because I did
Speaker:a lot of community theater in my past is I would
Speaker:speak to my fear.
Speaker:I would speak to sort of the racing heart to the
Speaker:sweaty palms to the dry mouth before I would go on
Speaker:an audition and I would tell my body,
Speaker:thank you so much for coming to my rescue.
Speaker:You think that we're actually in danger.
Speaker:We're actually not in danger.
Speaker:We're just doing something new so I get it.
Speaker:You're registering this,
Speaker:this fear,
Speaker:we're okay,
Speaker:we're not being threatened in any way.
Speaker:You've got this,
Speaker:we've got this.
Speaker:And then focusing on what you know and what you're able
Speaker:to speak to and having,
Speaker:I call it gearing up like having specific things that you
Speaker:want to say or engage people with at that event and
Speaker:like conversation or things that you want to share with them.
Speaker:Almost always,
Speaker:if you just talk to them about them,
Speaker:like what they're wearing,
Speaker:what their day has been like.
Speaker:People love to talk about themselves.
Speaker:So it's an easier way than you would try to break
Speaker:down the chemical compound of the materials that you used in
Speaker:your product.
Speaker:Right. And they're probably less than interested in that anyway.
Speaker:Right? That's right.
Speaker:You're going to lose people that way.
Speaker:Absolutely. So I mean,
Speaker:and the other thing is,
Speaker:no matter what,
Speaker:like let's say you did a craft show and you sold
Speaker:nothing, okay?
Speaker:If you're engaging with people or you're just observing what they're
Speaker:looking at,
Speaker:you're going to walk away with so much valuable information.
Speaker:So let's say,
Speaker:you know,
Speaker:a craft show isn't always sales.
Speaker:It's like one big test tube,
Speaker:if you will,
Speaker:or focus group on your product.
Speaker:So no matter what,
Speaker:if you do a craft show,
Speaker:trade show,
Speaker:you know,
Speaker:if you're going for wholesale,
Speaker:whatever, you're going to walk away with a bunch of information.
Speaker:And also I just want to mention,
Speaker:look at the show notes,
Speaker:give business owners,
Speaker:and I'm going to find that Ted talk.
Speaker:Amy Cuddy's Ted talk and link it there so you can
Speaker:see what Amy's referencing in terms of the visual poses.
Speaker:Cause I'm sure she's demonstrating all of those in her talk.
Speaker:Yeah, it's really fascinating.
Speaker:Wonderful. Perfect.
Speaker:Now I noticed that when you were going through how you
Speaker:should talk to yourself,
Speaker:you're doing it as if you're a third person.
Speaker:Is there a reason to do it that way?
Speaker:Did you do that specifically?
Speaker:Yes, I did.
Speaker:Actually. There's been more recent psychological research that has shown that
Speaker:if we speak positively to ourselves in a third person,
Speaker:almost like an outside cheerleader,
Speaker:it tends to be more palatable to our brain.
Speaker:So think about also when we are negative to ourselves.
Speaker:I don't know if you do this where if you spill
Speaker:something you're like,
Speaker:gosh darn it,
Speaker:Amy, or Oh Sue,
Speaker:wow, why couldn't you just be less clumsy or something?
Speaker:A lot of times we call ourselves by name when we're
Speaker:being negative and I think that it can also partially STEM
Speaker:from a family of origin or things you may have experienced
Speaker:as a child being in trouble as a child.
Speaker:But it can also have the same effects.
Speaker:Like for example,
Speaker:if you were wanting to start saying really positive things to
Speaker:yourself and you want to say,
Speaker:I believe that I am enough,
Speaker:that usually is a little harder for us to attach to
Speaker:then saying,
Speaker:listen to me Amy,
Speaker:you are enough.
Speaker:Almost like you can separate yourself a little bit voyeuristically and
Speaker:it's like somebody else is cheerleading you on.
Speaker:It almost feels more credible because it's almost as if it's
Speaker:not you.
Speaker:It's another person saying that.
Speaker:Exactly. So it's kind of standing outside of yourself and giving
Speaker:yourself a little pep talk.
Speaker:So yeah,
Speaker:if you can use sort of that third person,
Speaker:and again it's personal development cause it's personal,
Speaker:right? So some things will work for some people and so
Speaker:it really,
Speaker:all that matters is if it really resonates with you and
Speaker:if it's something that you can attach to.
Speaker:So a lot of times I think positive affirmations don't work
Speaker:for people as well as could because you're asking somebody to
Speaker:go from a to Z right away and they don't believe
Speaker:that there are enough.
Speaker:They don't believe that they can conquer fear.
Speaker:They don't believe that what they have matters.
Speaker:So you can also use something that I call a progressive
Speaker:language where you say something that's indicative of,
Speaker:I'm on my way to,
Speaker:so something like I am exploring what it looks like to
Speaker:be confident in my business or I am on the way
Speaker:to figuring out what I want for this career.
Speaker:So something where you're saying,
Speaker:I'm exploring,
Speaker:I'm open to,
Speaker:I'm working on,
Speaker:I'm embracing something that's progressive and that tends to be more
Speaker:of an a to B jump for people when they're crafting
Speaker:a positive self talk statement versus that a to Z jump
Speaker:of affirmations.
Speaker:Yeah, that kind of references a little bit what you were
Speaker:talking about in the beginning too.
Speaker:Just the baby steps of courage.
Speaker:Taking a small courage step versus things that are doable and
Speaker:then when you've achieved it,
Speaker:you feel stronger and then you're ready to take maybe another
Speaker:baby step or maybe even a little bigger step.
Speaker:Exactly. That's how confidence is built.
Speaker:You don't accumulate confidence and then go after your dreams.
Speaker:You accumulate confidence by taking action,
Speaker:sometimes failing,
Speaker:sometimes succeeding,
Speaker:but continuing with that action.
Speaker:That's big.
Speaker:That's really big.
Speaker:Okay. I want to touch on just one more thing that
Speaker:I think,
Speaker:I mean there's a lot of things that hold people up.
Speaker:One more big bucket here and that is being afraid of
Speaker:what other people think of you when you're trying to do
Speaker:this. When you're stepping out clearly stepping out of your comfort
Speaker:zone or when you're introducing things that you've made to people,
Speaker:it's like,
Speaker:Oh my gosh,
Speaker:what are they going to think?
Speaker:Do I even want to do it or should I just
Speaker:take cocooned and forget this whole thing?
Speaker:How do we overcome that?
Speaker:Right. Well,
Speaker:it really depends on what the fear is about because that's
Speaker:going to indicate what type of links tool or strategy that
Speaker:you're going to use.
Speaker:But one of the things that I'll say that could be
Speaker:really helpful for people is a lot of times we think
Speaker:that we're responsible for everybody else's opinions and their feelings around
Speaker:the matter.
Speaker:So, for example,
Speaker:some of the stuff we were talking about earlier,
Speaker:if people are really to condescending about,
Speaker:Oh, how cute you're going to make that into a business
Speaker:or the family who says you should have gone into medicine
Speaker:like everybody else or why didn't you want to do the
Speaker:family business or whatever else it may be.
Speaker:You have to recognize that most of the time what we're
Speaker:experiencing in those moments is just straight up discomfort is that
Speaker:that person has an opinion that's different than mine.
Speaker:And when we experienced discomfort,
Speaker:we usually go one of two ways.
Speaker:We either go,
Speaker:okay, yeah,
Speaker:you're right and we let them kind of bulldoze us or
Speaker:we try to keep fighting for our perspective.
Speaker:We keep going and go like,
Speaker:no, but you don't get it.
Speaker:But no,
Speaker:it's totally a viable marketplace and we want to prove ourselves.
Speaker:So if you recognize that you are responsible for your intention,
Speaker:not your reception,
Speaker:that will change everything.
Speaker:If your intention is to show up to a family function,
Speaker:let's say and just be proud of the woman that you
Speaker:are or the business owner that you are and you are
Speaker:more than happy to engage conversation with people if they're genuinely
Speaker:interested and respectful,
Speaker:but if they're not,
Speaker:you're going to shut it down.
Speaker:That's your intention.
Speaker:You know how to handle yourself,
Speaker:how you are received on all of those various,
Speaker:that spectrum where some people might be thrilled,
Speaker:some people might be indifferent,
Speaker:some people might think you're an idiot.
Speaker:None of those things are your responsibility.
Speaker:Now your responsibility is to handle yourself in a way that
Speaker:you are proud instead of being so concerned about the reception,
Speaker:and that can happen even as something as simple as going
Speaker:on a sales call or a potential job interview or something
Speaker:like that where you're so concerned about what the other person
Speaker:thinks. Switch your perspective into how do I need to show
Speaker:up in order to be proud of Amy or in order
Speaker:to be proud of SU,
Speaker:like what will make me proud of myself come tomorrow when
Speaker:I wake up after this event is over.
Speaker:Not the things that I can't control,
Speaker:which is what people are going to say or do or
Speaker:feel, but what will make me proud of how I've behaved,
Speaker:how I've shown up that can change everything.
Speaker:Okay. And then I'm thinking also if you encounter that cause
Speaker:you could go in feeling really super strong,
Speaker:feeling good,
Speaker:your intention is great and someone says something derogatory or nasty
Speaker:to you.
Speaker:That's also where this third party talk and come back and,
Speaker:and, and say,
Speaker:no, you know that's not true.
Speaker:Like talk to yourself about it in that moment to sure.
Speaker:So that you can stay with your initial intention.
Speaker:That's right.
Speaker:Well one of the things that I,
Speaker:again, this comes back to the emotional intelligence because I think
Speaker:in those moments we want that to not hurt and it
Speaker:does, it straight up hurts.
Speaker:And so I think we need to acknowledge that.
Speaker:But untether that from meaning anything about your business,
Speaker:your success,
Speaker:your enoughness,
Speaker:your worthiness.
Speaker:Because usually we take those negative comments and we make this
Speaker:jump all the way to,
Speaker:I'll never be successful.
Speaker:I'm not creative,
Speaker:I'm not good enough,
Speaker:I'm not.
Speaker:And all that is is that person's one isolated opinion that
Speaker:was really painful and hurtful.
Speaker:So what I usually say in my head is,
Speaker:okay, that sucks,
Speaker:or that hurt,
Speaker:but I don't suck.
Speaker:That situation sucks.
Speaker:That comment sucks,
Speaker:but I don't suck.
Speaker:And it's separating and acknowledging like that carries an impact that
Speaker:hurts and it's okay to hurt,
Speaker:but it's not okay for that comment.
Speaker:That's not your truth to derail what you really want to
Speaker:do in this world.
Speaker:I think this point alone,
Speaker:like just living,
Speaker:forget about even connected with business because it's so often one
Speaker:statement from one person can ruin your entire night and you
Speaker:dwell on it and the next day you think it and
Speaker:then you think it's real and all of that.
Speaker:So your demonstration here of saying no,
Speaker:that's not true.
Speaker:And, and you're not making that big leap is huge.
Speaker:Right along with all the other gold you've given us here,
Speaker:you're clearly in the right profession.
Speaker:Amy, can I Just say that?
Speaker:Oh, thank you.
Speaker:I mean really,
Speaker:really helpful.
Speaker:Helpful hints here for us.
Speaker:Is there any other big bucket of fear that we haven't
Speaker:talked about here that we should just slip in at the
Speaker:end or are we good?
Speaker:Ooh, you know,
Speaker:I danced around it a little bit at the beginning,
Speaker:but it's this idea that if I do really speak up
Speaker:for myself or if I do say like,
Speaker:Hey, that was a really hurtful comment,
Speaker:that we are somehow being malicious and we have to separate
Speaker:this idea of assertiveness equaling being mean or equaling being malicious.
Speaker:So for example,
Speaker:speaking up to somebody who does say like,
Speaker:Oh, how cute or how sweet of your business or something
Speaker:like that.
Speaker:Just say,
Speaker:wow, I'm not sure if that was your intention,
Speaker:but that came across a bit condescending.
Speaker:What did you mean by that?
Speaker:And knowing that those small increments of us saying those things
Speaker:out loud,
Speaker:that's you fighting for your worth.
Speaker:That's you saying,
Speaker:Hey, my wants opinions and needs matter just as much as
Speaker:yours. And that's a self worth piece that's believing in your
Speaker:own intrinsic value.
Speaker:So we danced around it a little bit,
Speaker:but I thought that might warrant underlining.
Speaker:I like that a lot.
Speaker:And I also think that there's a way to say the
Speaker:same message.
Speaker:Like it is very direct and attacking.
Speaker:If you say,
Speaker:wow, aren't you condescending?
Speaker:Right. Versus this is what it made me feel right now.
Speaker:So if you stay with what your feelings in the effect
Speaker:was, you can give the message and not put someone on
Speaker:the defensive.
Speaker:Totally. You get your point across,
Speaker:but you don't totally attack them either.
Speaker:Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker:And you can always ask just with a question like,
Speaker:Oh, I'm not sure what you mean by that.
Speaker:Like how cute can you say a little more like you
Speaker:can ask them to explain them.
Speaker:You know,
Speaker:asking a question can be really simple too.
Speaker:Good. Wonderful.
Speaker:Love that.
Speaker:So share a little bit about the joy junkie and everything
Speaker:that you have going on there.
Speaker:Okay. I have one primary focus in my business and it's
Speaker:a program called deep down and dirty and it's a pretty
Speaker:massively transformational program.
Speaker:It's really a lot about the internal piece of believing that
Speaker:you're worthy,
Speaker:that you're enough letting go of the self doubt and constant
Speaker:people pleasing,
Speaker:constant perfectionism.
Speaker:So it's a lot of those internal components.
Speaker:And then it's also paired with the external pieces of how
Speaker:do I now communicate that with the world?
Speaker:What does that look like as far as boundaries saying no
Speaker:tough conversations,
Speaker:that sort of a thing.
Speaker:Standing up with family,
Speaker:which is a huge issue for most people.
Speaker:So that I decided probably about two years ago to only
Speaker:do that.
Speaker:I got to the point where I didn't want to do
Speaker:small little classes anymore or work one off with a client.
Speaker:I wanted to only do a transformational process.
Speaker:So that's what I do now.
Speaker:And I'm also just finishing a hypnotherapy program and after that
Speaker:I'll be going into an NLP program that I'm really excited
Speaker:about. But those components,
Speaker:both the hypnotherapy as well as the NLP will be infused
Speaker:into the deep and dirty program just to continue to elevate
Speaker:it and then working on a book.
Speaker:So yeah,
Speaker:that's kind of what I do over in my little corner
Speaker:of the internet.
Speaker:Ooh, that is exciting.
Speaker:Well listen,
Speaker:I have something on the podcast called the past guest spotlight.
Speaker:Oh cool.
Speaker:And you know,
Speaker:once our show's done and time has gone on,
Speaker:when you integrate some of those things in,
Speaker:let me know because I share what's happening with past guests
Speaker:in future shows.
Speaker:Oh, that's nice.
Speaker:Awesome. That's a way we can keep up with you in
Speaker:addition to people just coming and finding you directly.
Speaker:Of course.
Speaker:Brilliant. Yeah.
Speaker:So where would someone come and find everything about the joy
Speaker:junkie? Where,
Speaker:what's the best place to go online?
Speaker:Probably my website is kind of the hub and that is
Speaker:just the joy.
Speaker:junky.com junkie is J.
Speaker:U N K,
Speaker:I. E.
Speaker:But you'll see there,
Speaker:I have a free workshop you can attend like a master
Speaker:class that talks a lot more about what I do.
Speaker:And some of the five key shifts that one needs to
Speaker:make in order to relinquish some of this stuff,
Speaker:like around fear and people pleasing,
Speaker:et cetera.
Speaker:There's a free workbook there for you.
Speaker:I have a podcast that I've done,
Speaker:but you can find all of that there.
Speaker:And my handle is the joy junkie on pretty much all
Speaker:platforms, but I hang out on Instagram the most.
Speaker:Yeah, so lots of fun freebies there.
Speaker:Perfect. And you guys,
Speaker:if you're okay with some different types of wording,
Speaker:colorful language,
Speaker:language, well that,
Speaker:and if you've liked what we've talked about here and you're
Speaker:into this type of conversation,
Speaker:you definitely have to go listen to Amy and Mr.
Speaker:Smith, your hubby right over at the joy junky.
Speaker:It's an excellent,
Speaker:excellent podcast.
Speaker:I've learned so much.
Speaker:I'm like starting to just like listen to every episode now
Speaker:I have to start from way back with you.
Speaker:Oh my gosh.
Speaker:Don't go too far back.
Speaker:They're much better at that,
Speaker:aren't you?
Speaker:Suddenly, well,
Speaker:that's how it always is,
Speaker:right? Yeah.
Speaker:Yeah, definitely.
Speaker:Wonderful. Well thank you.
Speaker:You have given us so much value here and by goal
Speaker:of trying to help somebody who just hasn't been able to
Speaker:get off the dime,
Speaker:every single thing that you've talked about is so doable,
Speaker:makes so much sense,
Speaker:and I'm sure resonates with everybody here.
Speaker:So on behalf of myself and all my listeners,
Speaker:thank you so much for being on the show today.
Speaker:Oh, I had a blast too.
Speaker:Thank you.
Speaker:So I want a commitment from you that the next time
Speaker:you're scared could be something in your business or personal that
Speaker:you'll look fear in the face,
Speaker:accept and even embrace the feeling and move forward.
Speaker:Anyway, promise.
Speaker:Do I have your word?
Speaker:I'll even go one better.
Speaker:If you want a DME with your specific fear,
Speaker:let's walk through it together.
Speaker:I'm at gift biz unwrapped on Instagram and I'm serious.
Speaker:Send me a message and let's get you past this being
Speaker:stalled by your fears.
Speaker:Next week we're going to be putting the customer in control.
Speaker:Yes, yes.
Speaker:We all talk about being customer focused,
Speaker:but this is different.
Speaker:I hope you join me next week when I'll fill in
Speaker:the gaps.
Speaker:I want to make sure you're familiar with my free Facebook
Speaker:group called gift is breeze.
Speaker:It's a place where we all gather and our community to
Speaker:support each other.
Speaker:Got a really fun post in there.
Speaker:That's my favorite of the week,
Speaker:I have to say where I invite all of you to
Speaker:share what you're doing,
Speaker:to show pictures of your product,
Speaker:to show what you're working on for the week,
Speaker:to get reactions from other people and just for fun because
Speaker:we all get to see the wonderful products that everybody in
Speaker:the community is making.
Speaker:My favorite post every single week without doubt,
Speaker:wait, what aren't you part of the group already?
Speaker:If not,
Speaker:make sure to jump over to Facebook and search for the
Speaker:group gift biz breeze.
Speaker:Don't delay.