403 – What Will the Chapters of Your Life Be in 2023? with Jen Hardy

Gift Biz Unwrapped Guest,

episode number 403 Things that we think are gonna be horrible

may turn out actually to be a really a blessing in

disguise Attention,

gifters, bakers,

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Join us for an episode packed full of invaluable guidance,

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Here is your host Gift Biz gal Sue Moon Heights.

Hi there,

it's Sue,

and I'm so happy you're joining me here today,

And not a moment too soon,

I won't lie.

This has been a rocky year for me and my family.

Apart from the wonderful bright light of my son getting married,

bringing us a daughter-in-law that I adore.

In between the many beautiful days and memories,

the months have also brought forth illness and disappointments,

sadness, and loss.

In the show today,

Jen references a saying that goes something like this.

Don't wish away the challenges of your life because that's how

you got to where you are today.

Although we wish it nobody signed an agreement with us that

all our days will be smooth and happy.

Not one person on earth gets that luxury.

Although some people's lives are easier than others,

no doubt.

What we can learn is new ways to manage and cope

with life's struggles before they appear on our doorstep.

Whether you're in a position where you can support someone else

or you need it for yourself,

when you're done listening to the show today,

you'll have a new perspective along with suggestions on how to

work through the darker days when they appear.

We get to turn the page tomorrow and write a brand

new chapter for our lives.

My hope is that all your days are peaceful and glorious.

Just keep this episode in your back pocket just in case.

If you are listening to this podcast right when it airs,

it's gonna be New Year's tomorrow,

a whole new year for us to anticipate,

have our dreams come true,

set new goals,

all different types of things.

And as I was thinking about the special guest that I

wanted to bring on for this show,

there was only one choice,

and you are going to get to meet her right now.

It's Jen Hardy.

Jen is the host of the Hardy Mom Podcast and is

also an author,

speaker, coach,

disability advocate,

and military spouse.

This homeschooling mom of seven calls herself a collector of eclectic

diseases and a mystifies of physicians.

I know we're gonna be diving into why that is.

Jen uses her experience with chronic illness to help others with

what can be a very challenging journey.

And for all of us as we look into next year,

they're gonna be things that come our way that we may

not have been anticipating.

And I want you to remember back to this very special

episode, to get strength and inspiration when those times hit,

because we know they're gonna hit all of us.

But it's exciting because we're gonna have the tools that we

need to take care of everything that can get thrown at

us. Jen,

welcome to the Gift Biz Unwrapped podcast.

Oh my gosh,

Sue, thank you so much for having me on the show,

and I cannot wait.

I'm so excited to be part of this.

I love what you do.

You and I talked,

I think about five months ago,

and that's when we came up with this idea like this

would be the perfect conversation for going into the new year.

Absolutely. Yep.

And I guess it's good for any time people who are

listening later too,

like, you know,

life carries on,

but there's something about the new year where it's just like

we feel like we're turning over another page.

It's brand new,

right? We can do anything.

Yeah, it's like that new box of crayons that you open

up. Exactly.

I don't know,

we homeschool and so at the beginning of every year,

yeah, they're just something exciting about all the fresh new things

and Yeah,

It's just exciting.

And I talked to somebody and he was saying that he

thinks of life like a book.

And so every part,

every section of your life is like a chapter.

But we get to write the title for our own chapter.

And I think that's perfect for going into the new year

because no matter what has happened in this past year,

you can say,

I'm starting a new chapter and this is gonna be its

title and it may or may not looking like that title,

but you know,

we can choose how we're gonna start it,

what we're gonna call it.

I love that.

Yes. So because I've done this as a tradition for all

the years I've been podcasting,

I still have to do this with you,

Jen, and that is having you describe yourself by way of

a motivational candle.

So if you were to close your eyes and just envision

a candle that speaks so much to you,

what would it look like?

Okay, so if I was gonna have a candle,

it would be,

I have candles all over my house.

I live on an island by the beach,

so they're all beachy.

So it would look kind of blue because blue is so

relaxing and tan for the sand,

and it would smell like the beach because yeah,

that's just,

I love to be surrounded by the ocean and it calms

me. So that would be what it looked like.

Yeah, fresh and breezy and oh,

it sounds beautiful,

Little salty,

little sassy.

Now we're all jealous,

you know that.

And do you have a quota or saying or something that

you would put on it?

You know,

Eleanor Roosevelt,

I think no one can make you feel inferior without your

consent, because I know I lived a lot of my life

feeling inferior and I did not need to do that.

So I think just a good reminder that we can choose

how we feel.

Why is it that we're smarter as we add on the

years? Oh my gosh.

Like if only we would've known that earlier.

Yes. Oh my goodness.

If I could go back and talk to my past self,

I know,

But then think I wouldn't end up where I am today

and where I am today,

even though it was really difficult to get here is a

pretty great place.

So you know,

my husband keeps telling me,

don't wish it away,

because that's how we got here.

Well, there you go.

I love that.

Yeah, that's so true.

Well, give us a little bit of the understory about that.

Like what's your journey been like?

My journey?

You know,

in the past there was a lot of abuse and I

don't normally talk about that,

but that is kind of how I ended up.

I think as I've done a lot of research into health,

because I'll talk about my health journey for the most part,

but a lot of us with multiple health issues have trauma.

And so if you're listening and you have a lot of

health issues,

that's just something to consider and to handle.

I think because for me,

now that I've realized that I feel a lot better,

I got diagnosed with a disease called myasthenia gravis,

which is a rare disease,

and before we could really get a handle on it,

and I had 20 day long infusions at home and no

one thought I was gonna make it.

And what made it even harder was my husband's was military

and he had just gotten back from Iraq a couple years

before that,

but he worked,

he was gone 12 hours a day doing military things.

And I had seven kids,

so I had a two,

four year old and then five teenagers.

And so it was a really rough time.

And I got through that year.

I got through the next couple years,

but I was mostly in bed.

I had been in a wheelchair for a while,

couldn't leave my room because there was steps to go up.

So everybody just had to either come to my room or

I was by myself.

It was a very rough,

rough time.

my doctors told me there was really nothing else they could

do, but make me comfortable.

And it was really,

really hard.

And somehow I am still here,

And I have this podcast I've written for books.

I live in my dream location and I am breathing,

which I was not supposed to be breathing on my own

So it's been an amazing miracle is what it's been.

It's just an amazing miracle that I'm even here at all

today. Well,

we are so blessed that you're here today.

I have to start by saying that I can't hear you

say that whole story and then not address it in that

way first off,

but that's incredible.

Like you just kept carrying on at that time and day

to day and your body ended up healing itself.

So no,

I'm not healed and I thought I was doing a lot

better than I am,

but actually I didn't realize my husband has been picking up

the slack,

so I was taking a whole lot of medicine.

You see these old people with these huge Ziploc baggies full

of medicine.

I had two of those that I took every single day.

It was crazy.

And I just kept getting worse.

And so this is not medical advice,

you definitely talk to your doctors,

but I actually got off some of my medicines and I

feel better because the side effects,

I think they were just adding up from all the medicines

and living by the ocean.

My breathing was getting really bad and my diaphragm,

like the muscle that makes you breathe,

it only works at 20%.

And so that combined with asthma and a bunch of things,

I was really having a struggle.

So I thought,

you know,

if I live close to the ocean,

I can breathe in the salt air,

it might help.

And it has.

So yeah,

it's really been a miracle.

The fact that I'm here is a miracle.

I also have muscular dystrophy,

so almost all of the muscles in my lower back are

completely gone.

They're just gone.

They've been replaced by fat and the doctor said,

I shouldn't be sitting here,

I shouldn't be walking.

And yet we met at Pod fest with me walking around

meeting everybody.

I'm just thankful every single day that I'm here,

honestly. Not only that,

at Pod Fest,

you went to the late night party and I didn't.

I stayed back.

I did Go to the late night party,

But that's part of the reason why this episode at this

point in time is so great because,

and I'm not sure how much we'll get more into your

story or how this is gonna evolve,

it's all free flowing.

But I think of people out there at any age,

right? You can be younger,

you can be older,

you know,

whenever. And there can be things that you're struggling with of

all different sorts.

It can be physical or mental abuse,

it can be disease,

it can be debilitating.

Things that happen,

it can be an accident that's left you in a wheelchair.

There are all of these types of things.

And that can sound very depressing for a New Year's Eve

Day podcast.

However, my thinking with this is if we start talking about

what types of things,

heaven forbid something like this happens to somebody,

what are some coping mechanisms before you have to be employing

them, right?

That could help,

right? And it doesn't even have to be that devastating.

There are things that happen,

life happens,

you lose people accidents,

even if it's for a limited amount of time can be

a struggle.

So that's the kind of conversation that I'd love to get

into today,

just to equip all of us with tools and thinking mindset

to set ourselves up to be stronger for next year or

help somebody else who's facing something like that for next year.

I think that's great.

Well, and I just did a bunch of research on moms,

because my audience are moms that are going through some kind

of health challenge.

So it could be,

you know,

physical, emotional,

whatever. And something that I've learned is that 55% of Gen

Z, which is like 26 and younger,

are clinically depressed.

Now, that number is staggering to me.

And so I think,

you know,

if you're listening,

there's a 50% chance you've got some kind of diagnosis already.

And I think the the key is that no matter what

it is,

no matter what it is that you're dealing with,

like you said,

it could be anything that comes along,

you just say,

okay, this is,

life is ups and downs,

right? I mean,

there's a proverb that says you can't taste the sweet unless

you've tasted the salty.

And that's how we get through,

right? Because if life was eating candy all the time,

it would not taste good.

You know?

We would not like that.

You'd have no comparison And a comparison,

right? Like good things and bad things.

So we really,

really appreciate the good when something has been a struggle.

And so I think the first thing to know is this

is part of life.

And so if you just expect life to be sunshine and

roses all the time and you're shocked anytime something happens,

I think that makes it harder.

So not to be on the negative side either.

Like, oh my gosh,

what's happening now?

Right? But just to say,

okay, this is part of life and something good can come

out of anything.

That's something that I've learned too.

That's, and I'm just gonna tell a little parable and you

don't have to leave this in if you don't want to.

You know,

I will,

I don't even know what's coming,

but I'm definitely leaving it in.

It's really,

really important.

My kids have this book,

and I don't know where the parable came from to be

quite honest,

but there's this man,

okay, there's this poor man who's a farmer and he's out

there farming,

and his horse runs away.

All of his friends say,

oh my gosh,

this is so horrible.

Your horse ran away.

Now you have to plow the fields all by yourself.

It's gonna be so hard.

And he said,

well, I don't know if it's good or if it's bad.

And they thought that was crazy.

Well, when the horse came back,

it brought a friend and then he has two horses and

all his friends say,

oh my gosh,

this is great.

Now you can get twice the work done.

And he said,

well, I don't know if it's good or bad.

And they thought,

well, why not?

Well, then his son's out training,

the second horse falls off and breaks his leg,

and his friends say,

that's horrible.

Now your son has a broken leg,

but then there's gonna be a war.

And the,

the government comes to the village and takes all able-bodied young

men off to war and his son can't go because his

leg broken.

No, the people all say,

well, that's great.

So the story can go on forever and ever.

But the point is,

you just never know,

right? Things that we think are gonna be horrible may turn

out actually to be a really a blessing in disguise.

You know,

we just have to look at it.

So like we were kind of talking before,

I spent a lot of time in bed,

I'm actually in bed.

I'm only outta bed four to six hours a day because

of the way my body is.

So I have a special chair that I can set up

in that holds me up or on the couch or whatever,

but I'm not up more than four hours a day,

maybe six.

And so a lot of people would say,

oh my gosh,

well that's horrible,

right? Your life must be horrible.

But my life is not horrible.

I have a podcast and I can do that from bed.

I have a hospital table that can turn into a studio.

I spent a lot more time cuddling with my kids,

being with my kids.

We actually can homeschool from my bed.

And I just have learned that what I choose to do

is out of there is going to be the most important,

special, great thing that I can do.

And so it's made me put everything,

really pick and choose what is really important.

And it's made my kids really be able to pick and

choose. You know,

if mom's got this much time,

what are we going to do together?

And I think there's a real blessing that comes from that

because we don't run,

run, run.

You know,

we used to run,

like when I had my older kids,

we were in LA and it was just like everybody has

to be be doing all these things all the time and

you never get to rest.

And I think that a lot of life gets lost in

that, to be honest.

That is so true.

And this is a topic that we touched upon in last

week's episode and the conversation specifically about rest and how much

beauty comes out of rest.

So if you haven't listened to that,

make sure to jump back to last week's episode and hear

that. But first I wanna say this is so good because

a lot of handmade creators are homebound.

I have no idea what percentage,

but I've talked to quite a few people who started making

a handmade craft for their own enrichment and fulfillment because creating

things with your hands is psychologically very helpful.

And then it's something that they can do where they're feeling

of value.

And so a good portion of our audience of handmade creators

are in some type of situation like that where they're in

a special bed or wheelchair,

they couldn't get out,

let's say,

to craft shows,

someone I'll either has to sell that way or they're doing

things online.

And it's the positioning of how you talk to yourself about

your situation.

That is so important.

Absolutely. Because that's how I started.

Well, I started a blog in the beginning and then I

wrote a book,

and then I started my podcast and it was all because

I'm a mom with seven kids with multiple chronic illnesses.

And when I would go online,

everyone was just like whining and complaining,

but nobody had a solution.

You know,

how are you supposed to live?

How are you supposed to parent and not succumb to that,

you know,

just that,

whoa, why me?

How do you do that?

Well, I think it's important to notice that when you're diagnosed

with something,

or even before the diagnosis,

you know something's going on with your body.

It's important to realize that it's kind of like a death

in a way,

because it's a death of the life you knew.

It's an ending of what you thought might happen,

what you thought might be whatever.

And to realize that if you grieve it,

you allow yourself to grieve it.

And there's like the Kula Ross seven stages of death where,

you know,

I don't know them off the top of my head because

brain fog,

but if you research that,

let allow yourself to go through that.

Allow yourself,

you know,

some days you're gonna get angry,

some days you're gonna be frustrated,

you know,

all these people are doing things and especially other people don't

understand if I say I'm barely out of bed,

but then they see me and I don't look sick,

I don't know what looking sick is supposed to look like,

you know?

Cuz I think when people picture that you can't get outta

bed, they picture you looking,

I don't know,

not like everybody else does,

Mike, you're sick.

Because normally you think if you have to be in bed

all day,

you're sick.

Right? Right.

Like, you look like somebody with the flu or whatever.

And so I think dealing with that is hard.

So I think allowing yourself to grieve and educating the people

around you with what's happening.

Because a lot of people will look at you and say,

well, you must be fine.

And then they say a bunch of things that make you

sad because they think you're faking or they don't believe or

there's so many different things.

And so that's a big part of it.

This is really interesting to me,

I've never thought about this before,

is if you know somebody who,

like you're talking about,

has to be in bed a lot or you know,

you know that their lifestyle needs to be different than what

you think of as the quote unquote regular lifestyle,

right? Right.

There could be people who are thinking,

oh, this is a sympathy place,

she's really better.

Look at her,

she's better.

Like she doesn't look bad,

you know,

she's just playing off our sympathy or something.

And you're really putting up the flag and saying,

no attention.

Attention. That's not the case.

Exactly. They may look just fine,

but struggling physically,

mentally, whatever.

Right? Well,

and I've talked to so many people that say,

oh, you do that?

Well, my daughter thinks she's sick,

or you know,

my mom pretends like she's sick,

you know,

whatever. And I'm thinking,

no, this is exactly what I talk about though.

They probably really are sick and you just don't understand.

But you know,

there are people who fake it,

right? There are people who play for sympathy,

There are people who fake it,

who just want attention,

you know,

who are like,

oh, you know.

But what I've learned in dealing with a lot of people

is there's a lot less people that are doing that than

people think.

Interesting. And so how should we interact with people like that?

What's the right thing to say?

I mean,

you wanna show sympathy,

but you don't wanna go too far hopefully through this conversation

right here,

we've enlightened me,

but let's enlighten everybody that you know,

rethink this.

Even if they look great,

they may not really be great.

So I have to tell you that on my podcast,

on the Hardy Mom podcast,

episodes 97 and 98 are specifically about that,

what to say and what not to say to somebody.

But I think not to say things like,

oh, I wish I could sleep all day,

or I wish I could nap all day.

Because our nap isn't because we wanna just put our feet

up and eat bond bonds.

It's because we're horribly exhausted.

I think the word fatigue,

you know,

chronic fatigue,

it's like,

oh, you have a little fatigue.

You know,

it doesn't,

I don't know that word,

it just drives me crazy.

We're like,

you know,

I don't know.

But I think,

you know what not to say is to downplay.

You don't need to downplay it if you feel like they

just want attention.

You don't have to say much at all,

but don't you know,

oh, I'm sure you're fine.

Just get up.

And then not giving people really weird,

oh, well,

you know,

if you just ate lettuce and nothing else for 30 days,

or like we hear all these random things,

All the advice,

right? From people who have no clue,

Right? And just because it worked for Aunt Betty,

you know,

whatever. And then the things too do are,

you know,

like if you live around the corner from me and you're

running to the store,

it'd be great if you said,

Hey, you know,

do you need something?

You know,

you need milk or I,

I am out at milk,

but I'm not gonna call you every time that I can't

go to the store.

And then the second thing is,

if someone is very unwell and you know,

they are,

they're really struggling and they have kids offering to take their

kids, even if it's for a couple hours,

just to let them rest is for me,

was the biggest thing and the hardest thing to get people

to do,

honestly. And if you offer something,

follow through,

if you don't wanna offer,

don't offer.

I think that's the probably,

probably the hardest part is a lot of people will say,

oh my gosh,

what do you need?

But then they have no intention of following through with it,

so just don't say It.

Well, and sometimes,

I mean,

I know that I want to offer support in situations like

that, and I genuinely don't know what they need.

Right. But I love the idea that you're suggesting here about

offering up actions that can take the weight off of their

day in some way,

right? You know,

like very typical,

you know,

if someone's not well or someone's passed in a family,

you know,

you make meals and you bring them to the house,

right? But these other ideas that you're talking about,

you know,

call in and saying,

Hey, I'm on the way to the grocery store coming right

by your house.

Can I pick something up for you and drop it off?

Right? Things like that.

So I love that idea of suggesting a couple of things

that you could do for them that you would want to

do versus something that feels bigger,

like emotional support feels bigger and it's hard to give emotional

support if you don't have experience knowledge or you're not as

close to them either,

Right? They're not gonna necessarily open up to every single person

in their life,

you know,

depending on how close a relationship you have.

So that's great advice,

Jen. I love that.

And then one other thing then,

and you can do this whether you're don't feel well or

not, but I had a neighbor in my last neighborhood and

she lived right next door to me.

And what we did was one day I made dinner and

I just doubled it and shared with her.

And one day she made dinner and doubled it and shared

it with me every single week.

So there was one day every week I didn't have to

cook or pay for dinner.

And it really wasn't harder for me while I was already

cooking to make it a double batch.

Right. And that took so much weight off because cooking for

me is just exhausting.

And my husband's now home and he's helping,

but before he couldn't.

And so that was just an amazing,

amazing, plus she's Japanese,

she's from Japan.

And so I had authentic sushi and Japanese food all the

time. It was so wonderful.

But I think that's another thing too.

And just if you have your own job too,

if you're doing these crafts and you've got your own business

and you're busy,

because especially you know,

the beginning of the year you're trying to get things going

and you can work with somebody that lives relatively close and

say, Hey,

you know,

you're busy,

I'm busy,

let's do this thing.

And it would really help everybody.

That's just one of my favorite things.

We were talking earlier about just the whole mindset.

I loved what you were talking about in the very,

very beginning about a book and turning a chapter,

and let's start new with what's gonna happen from here on

out. So that sounds great.

You turn a page and you've got your pen and everything's

clean and you start writing.

But how does that work with all the things that go

on in your mind about your life and how it is,

let's say you're the one that's affected by something that's changed.

What do you say to yourself in your mind to get

yourself on a positive path?

How does that work?

So for me,

I actually am a big fan of having a pity party.

And so what I do is I set a timer and

it can be one,

five or 10 minutes depending on what the issue is.

And I'll actually do this with my kids for one minute

too, is an amazing thing.

So let's say you're thinking,

oh my gosh,

I've got this and this and this,

and it's not going right.

And I'm so sad.

In our culture,

what we do is we say,

just suck it up.

Just get over it.

Don't deal with it,

just move on.

Right? That's what we say.

But that doesn't happen.

And so what happens is you bury it and you bury

it and you bury,

it comes up and you bury it.

And then you end up having all these things in your

head that are negative that you've shoved down for so long,

right? And so my thing is this,

no. If something comes up like that and then it's an

appropriate time,

or wait till you get home,

whatever, you set a timer,

you can go in your room,

or if you have little kids and they drive you crazy

and go in your bathroom,

lock the door,

do whatever,

and just let yourself get it out.

Just talk about it.

Oh my gosh,

this is driving me crazy.

I can't believe it.

I feel sick,

I don't wanna feel sick,

you know,

whatever. This is changing my life.

I don't like it.

You like all the things that you're thinking,

you literally verbalize them and get them out.

Because once we get it out,

it doesn't hold that power over us anymore.

You know?

It's not our secret anymore.

Because if you've got all these things inside that you're holding

onto and you're kind of hiding from everybody else,

and you don't even wanna say,

you know,

people are like,

oh, don't say it,

it might come true.

Well, that's a lie.

I mean that's,

those are just,

I don't know why we hear these lies.

Just say it out loud,

just get it all out.

And then for me,

when the timer beeps,

then I'm done with that thing.

Now will that come up again later?

It might,

and I might do it again,

but for me it just lets me get it out.

Okay, now I can move forward.

So would you say then that,

let's say you are sick for whatever reason,

and you know you're going through treatments that are a month,

I'm just putting some brackets on it,

just a by way of example.

And it's totally disrupted your life by doing a pity party.

Let's say you decided,

you know what,

I'm doing a pity party for an hour every Tuesday morning,

cuz this is terrible.

I'm gonna admit it.

This is horrible.

It's happening,

but I'm just going through it.

So then would you say that if you do a pity

party, you do your hour,

and does that take and release some of that negative energy

for the rest of the time?

Because you can always say,

you know what?

Like, let's pretend it was me.

I'll say,

Sue, you know what?

There's gonna be a time for it again next Tuesday morning,

but for now,

let's focus on tasks at hand.

What's happening with the day?

And so you almost are slotting your pity time into a

slot on your calendar,

really. Exactly.

Well, and if you've ever noticed,

you know how they,

if a woman tells a man what her problems are,

she just wants to get them out,

right? But he wants to give her solutions.

But I don't know about you.

When I'm talking to my husband,

I'm like,

okay, just let me get this out,

right? Just let me say these things because as I'm saying

them frequently I come up with my own solutions.

And so by allowing yourself to say these things out loud,

you're not just whining.

Although some days may just be whining,

but also a lot of times when you hear yourself say

something, you'll be like,

oh, wait a minute.

Yeah, these treatments are horrible and I feel really sick and

I only feel good if I eat peanut butter before I

go and I'm sick of pe.

Okay, well,

so eat peanut butter before you,

you know,

like you'll find the solutions a lot of times in what

you're saying.

So you are releasing the negative energy and you might even,

yeah, you might even get some positive feedback from yourself right

back out of it.

Which sounds crazy,

but if you try it,

it really does work.

No, that makes a lot of sense to me.

And just so much of what we say to ourself and

think positions and help and either makes us feel sicker or

makes us feel better,

even if we've got the same symptoms.

It's that whole mindset.

Exactly. Well,

and always telling ourself like stop thinking about it,

stop complaining about it.

I'm not allowed to talk about it.

Right? But then you're always telling it to yourself that you're

wrong too.

Like in yourself talk,

you know,

by telling yourself you're not allowed to think about negative things,

you're not allowed to,

you know,

it adds more negativity.

So yeah,

if you're giving yourself permission,

you're telling yourself,

I'm not wrong for wanting to talk about this.

Now you don't wanna talk about all the time like,

and tell all your friends,

oh, I'm so sick.

Oh, I've got this thing,

I got that thing.

I got what?

Because you can reasonably talk to them.

Sometimes people do wanna know,

but they don't need to know every single little detail that

you might wanna talk about.

It's a good time to get it all Out.

There's also,

we all know those people who you just feel so drained

after you're with them because all they're doing is complaining about

any little thing.

Yeah. And if it's hard to be around people who talk

like that,

just think of what you're doing to yourself if you become

that. Exactly.

And I'll be honest,

I mean for a while I was like that.

I was,

because you know,

I got to see everyone else is doing all these things

and it was really making me sad.

And it's a grieving process.

It really Is.

How did you get out of it?

Well, I had to make a decision.

So my decision was am I going to live with my

health the way it is and let myself be miserable?

Or am I gonna live with the way my health is

and find all the ways to make my life great And

look at what you've done And look at what I've done.

I mean,

who doesn't wanna just go and live on an island,

right? Who doesn't?

I mean,

I've published the books I wanna publish,

I'm living where I wanna live.

You know,

I've just created all these things.

So even though I can't go into the ocean on a

rough day because my muscles won't get me back out,

right? But I can go and I can sit on the

sand and I can watch my kids play and I've made

peace with,

that's where I am now and it's beautiful.

Okay, so I'm missed positivity sometimes to a fault I have

to admit.

But so could you say if,

yeah, you might for someone who has something happened to them

that is going to be life changing,

okay, no problem in grieving and feel sad for what was,

but instead of always looking at all of the things you

can't do anymore,

it's an opportunity for you to rewrite what this next phase

of your life is,

and not just leave it to chance and let life happen

to you,

but create a life that you are going to love and

feel good about based on whatever limitations that you have.

Such an important conversation we're having.

I hope you're getting as much value out of it as

I did being part of the conversation with Jen.

We'll pick up again right after this quick break.

I wanted to pause this discussion for a second to let

you know that I recognize you may be feeling overwhelmed right

now. I mean,

I bring on great guests who are specialists in their fields

and we get into fabulous conversations that you know can help

grow your business.

So after the show,

you have the full intention of grabbing a download,

making an adjustment on your website or any number of other

ideas that arise as a result of this podcast.

But what happens,

you get back to your other activities and the momentum you

once had gets lost.

What you've planned to do is forgotten,

then you feel bad because your business is going on as

usual without implementing anything that you know would help grow your

business. We're just too busy doing all the things like a

robot moving from one thing to another without thinking,

because we have to.

I get it,

I've been there.

But guess what?

There is another way.

Since I recognized this exact behavior in my own business,

I set out to do something about it.

And now what works for me,

I'm sharing with you.

I formalized the process and it's called the inspired daily planner,

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Okay, let's get back to the show.

Well, and I'll tell you about one of my dear friends

who was the first person I interviewed on my podcast.

She trained horses,

she designed websites,

she homeschooled her children.

She is now a business coach and she's always been legally

blind. So try to wrap your brain around that.

So if she can train horses and she can design websites

and she is legally blind,

what can you not do?

I mean,

you can do anything,

right? You may have to adapt it,

you may have to have it be a little different than

you originally planned,

but you can do it.

You just have to figure out,

you know,

how, and you have to be willing to make peace with

the fact that parts of your life will look different than

everyone else's.

But you know,

everyone's life is different in some way.

And this is what we try to explain to our kids

too. Everyone's got something going on.

We might not know what it is,

but everyone has something.

You know,

we're not all Superman.

We can't all go do every single thing,

right? And so it's just a matter of,

I think Janet,

it's just making peace with things because yeah,

there's some parts of our life that might not have been

what we've chosen,

but everyone has that.

How do you feel about getting some professional help to get

you there?

Because not everyone can just do this for themselves.

Like we can easily talk here,

but yeah,

just you know,

do your pity party then you should be fine.

Just go on and build this whole new life,

right? Right.

But I get that it's not that easy,

you know?

And sometimes you need some professional direction or people who are

trained to be able to guide you to that path.

Yeah, absolutely.

And I think definitely if,

if especially somebody's really struggling,

cuz like I said,

I mean the numbers of being clinically depressed and clinical anxiety

right now are through the roof.

And so if you need help,

get help.

But I also will say be cautious about who you get

help from.

But definitely if you are struggling,

don't struggle alone.

Definitely don't struggle alone if you need,

you know,

and reach out.

And there's all kinds of different help now.

So there's psychiatrists that can give you medicine or there's psychologists

that you can talk to or social workers.

And then there's life coaches and there's all different kinds of

people. So find someone who's doing the kind of thing you

want to do or someone who's really talking about the kind

of place you want to be in,

right? Psychologically,

mentally, and work with that person because you've got options.

So I think that's important to know as well.

That was a really hard thing for me is I kept

looking for help from moms with chronic illness.

I couldn't find it.

My husband after a year said,

you know,

you're supposed to create it if you're looking for it and

I really feel like you're the one who's supposed to create

it. And I thought,

yeah, but it should be a positive thing,

right? Like you're saying you're very positive.

And I wasn't feeling positive and I said,

I just don't wanna be a hypocrite because that's not right.

I can't tell everybody else to just be positive while I'm

just really sobbing in my back.

So, you know,

it did take me a while and ironically it was the

thought of being able to help other people that motivated me

to get in the place I needed to be.

Which is another great thing that I would recommend for anybody

who's struggling in any way or not str,

I mean this isn't for everybody,

but there's been a lot of times where I've felt kind

of alone and like I wasn't having my needs met for

whatever, you know,

health wise or whatever.

And so I would look for someone who is struggling in

the same way as I was and I would go out,

out and do for them something I wanted done for me.

And because I knew what it would feel like to get

that thing.

And it was never a time when I was like,

well then they're gonna do it back.

It wasn't ever that.

It was someone who probably couldn't do it back and there

was just a gift in the giving for me.

So I think if you're listening and you're alike,

but you know what?

I'm just so down,

whatever, you know,

I just don't know how I'd get there.

Try a little bit of focusing on doing something for other

people or for making someone else feel better.

And I mean,

I'm not talking about giving to people who are jerks to

you either.

Like there's boundaries with that,

but somebody who really needs it.

And I guarantee that it's going to make you feel happy.

It just Is.

It's so true.

I mean you hear this over and over again by giving

of yourself and helping others.

It comes back to you tenfold.

I'm thinking I don't have any experience in this,

so this is not a professional conversation in that way.

Make sure to say that.

But you know,

if someone is struggling in just mentally,

like always negative,

just feeling so bad if they have the ability and the

experience to give what they know or you know,

have experienced or skill with to someone else,

positivity breeds positivity,

right? Like you have someone tell you,

oh my gosh,

that helped me so much,

I can now do this.

Or I now understand this,

or you made me smile today.

That in turn makes that other person feel better.

Absolutely. Well yeah.

And a great place to do that for honestly is Ronald

McDonald house.

I had to stay there with my son once.

And you can give food,

you can give craft supplies,

you can give toys,

you can give your time,

but the parents that are there really are up against a

wall and really appreciate it.

So that is one organization that I hands down.

And then another thing you were talking about smiling.

One piece of advice that I try to give everybody is

so when I wake up I'm in massive pain.

I can't get up until I take medicine to take my

pain. Like I just can't.

So when I wake up,

I do tend to have some negative thoughts.

Like I wish I didn't feel this way,

I wish I didn't have to go through the dentist way.

I'm so exhausted,

you know?

But when my kids come in the room for the longest

time, I just be like,

Ugh, just let me rest.

Well that sets the tone,

it sets the tone with my kids for the whole day.

So I've changed that.

And so my new thing is,

hey, come in,

let's cuddle up.

And I will purposefully smile at them like not a fake

smile cuz my fake smile's scary.

But like I will think to myself,

you love these people,

let's treat them like you love them and not like they're

the cause of how you feel.

Right? And so they come in now,

they cuddle up with me,

I smile at them,

they smile back and I'll be honest,

our whole day is like 500% better because they feel loved

than they're smiling at me than I genuinely am smiling back.

Like even in the beginning,

if I have to really work at it,

I don't,

once I get that first smile from my kids.

So I think the first thing is just smile.

If there's no one in your house,

smile at your cat or your whatever,

I don't know.

But just make an effort.

I used to work at a hospital at the reception,

whatever, answering the phones and they brought mirrors in and they

said, okay,

now when you talk to people you need to look in

the mirror and smile because your voice actually sounds different when

you're smiling and when you're not smiling.

And it was a really great lesson in,

you know,

just kind of,

it's almost a fake it till you make it kind of

a thing.

But you know,

because when we talk to people like that then they'd be

so much happier and they'd feel better and then we responded

that way.

Right. Tell me a little bit more about what you've done

since you know,

life's changed and switched for you.

We know about the podcast already.

I'm specifically interested in knowing more about your books and your

journal. Okay,

so this is the great thing.

This is what I got from Sue.

Oh my gosh,

if you're listening,

you need to just follow everything because she is an inspiration.

I've gotta say,

I'm so glad to be here.

It's so true.

Oh that's so sweet Of you.

I was writing a journal and well,

and it sounds silly to say writing a journal cuz it's

a book with lines.

But there's actually 6,000

words in my journal that I've written because I have a

prompt for every month.

And it's for moms with chronic illness so that you can,

you know,

kind of,

I look back because I'm not so young,

my oldest child is 33.

And I think there's so many things as a mom as

far as like keeping up my house and doing things with

my kids.

And you think if I were to do all of it,

it's so overwhelming.

But had I broken it up into little pieces,

I could have got so much done.

And so I thought,

well what if I wrote its journal for moms?

It could break things into little tiny pieces.

It's a five-year journal and by the time you're done,

your house is more organized,

your medical records are more organized,

you've enjoyed your kids a lot more and you've really just

done a little bite-sized piece at a time.

And so I did that and then I decided,

well I've already got the setup of the book,

right? So I'm gonna do one about happiness because a lot

of people that are going through what I'm going through and

And so I did prompts every month same way for that.

And the one I was talking to Sue,

she was talking about,

well what about people in business?

And so I did my five year daily plan for success

business journal.

And then I added Dominate the competition by setting monthly goals,

tracking progress,

and innovating for success.

Cuz that just sounded,

I don't know,

kind of beasty and my,

my 13 year old helped me design it.

But it's just got the things,

you know,

people always say failing to plan is planning to fail,

right? And so many of us,

with a small business,

we might not have had to put together a business plan

for the bank or any of that kind of thing.

And especially if you're making something,

you make your thing,

you sell your thing,

you make more money,

you make more things,

you sell more things.

And you know,

we move forward.

But if we had an actual plan,

if we set goals,

and it's not just about setting the goals.

I think part of the issue,

I know for me and a lot of people is you

set a goal but then you never really go back and

see how much of that goal did I set?

How could I make that goal better?

How can I go forward the next time and improve on

it? And so in this journal,

I mean in January it starts out with the most basic

thing. But I think something that a lot of us forget

to even even say is setting your financial goal for the

year. What would you like to make this year?

The business one,

It's your business journal.

Yeah. Right now I'm just talking,

well you know what,

what is my target income this year?

Because I think a lot of us are honestly afraid to

say those numbers out loud because we've been taught,

oh, you know,

if you say positive things,

they won't happen.

Right? Or the knock on wood,

oh you know,

we're all healthy,

knock on wood.

You know,

like if you say words out loud.

But then there's other people that say,

well if you wanna manifest things,

you have to say them out loud.

You know,

there's these opposing camps and I think we just need to

say what we want and mark it down.

And so with this journal,

you write down your goal and then through the month you

can write the different things that you're doing to get there.

And then when you come back the next year to January,

you'll see,

what did I write last year?

Oh, I met that,

or I exceeded that.

Or Oh,

I didn't come close to that.

So what did I do?

And you can go back through the journal and see this

is how I was trying to get there and if I

exceeded it,

what of those things can I do more of?

And if I didn't get there,

okay, what do I need to let go of and change?

Well, and this is one of the things that makes your

journals, no matter which category is the one you would wanna

focus on different than other things that we see out there

because it doesn't have that year to year comparison.

Cuz usually when you're done with a year,

you close up that calendar,

journal planner,

whatever you wanna call it,

and put it away.

This one has five years running all in one spot.

Right. Which means it probably doesn't fit in your purse.

Okay. It really doesn't.

In fact,

so when I was coming up with mine,

I thought,

well these five year journals,

there's only enough room for one sentence and there's not enough.

I had one during the epidemic and I was trying to

write what was happening and I could only write a couple

sentences and I wish there had been more space because there

was a lot happening.

So I did mine eight and a half by 11.

So according to Amazon,

they are two and a half pounds of paper.

It is a lot,

but there's a lot of space.

Then there's at least a full paragraph if not to,

for you to write for every day if you want to

or if you don't want to,

that's okay,

you can do whatever you want.

But there's all kinds of space in there.

And also I was thinking,

it's a great place to keep all of your passwords because

no one's gonna wanna look through your plan.

True. Hide it on your birthday or something.

So Jen,

when you started creating the first one,

which was the one for moms,

right? How did that balance,

or what happened to you mentally and physically because you had

something else you were focusing on besides not feeling well?

Oh my gosh,

it's such a help because instead of thinking about my symptoms,

I'm thinking about what I can do to make this better.

And then when I finished it,

it's beyond an adrenaline rush.

It just felt so good.

And they all ended up being on Amazon within one week

and it just feels so good.

And so every time I look at that,

I think I did that even though I don't feel so

great and whatever,

I did it.

And my 13 year old actually designed the whole cover for

the Happiness Journal.

And so to give her a space for that,

that felt really good too.

But it takes your mind off yourself.

And I think when you're dealing with a chronic issue,

it's so easy to think about ourselves and focus on those

negative things And your limitations.

Like thinking of just all the things you can't do.

Exactly. But here,

and that's pretty much why we wanted to talk today,

is look at all that you've accomplished with,

as you've described,

how much time you're actually up or how you can be

productive if you do need to be in bed.

I mean,

let's just start with a person who has what,

we'll just call normal health seven kids,

Jen, like yes,

A lot it,

It is a lot.

Right? So you are a living example of all that you

can accomplish,

right? That's very sweet.

I don't know,

I don't think of it that way,

but thank you.

Well, not a chance of me for seven kids,

I can tell you that right now.

Even 20 years ago.

Oh gosh.

So as we kind of start to wind down here,

Okay, We've got the next year coming upon us,

we have no idea.

Each of us in our own way are going to encounter

different things.

Either they're happening to us,

happening to people that we love or our friends that we

love, whatever.

Couple of tips for us,

I think on both sides,

like couple of tips for us on what to do as

a friend when someone has to have a change of life

for whatever reason.

I think just saying,

you know,

it's okay to say I don't know what to say.

Hmm. It's okay to say,

you know,

I'm so sorry,

this has gotta be really hard and I don't know what

to say,

but I'm here because a lot of people will ghost you.

And so I don't need somebody to,

there is no exact right thing to say anyway.

And so just to say I'm here,

or Wow,

you're really strong,

I don't know how you're going.

Not that they have a choice of how they're going through

it, but acknowledge like that's really strong.

Or just things like that.

Just showing up for them.

Just being there.

Just show up.

I think that's number one.

You can admit you don't know what to say,

you can admit you don't know how to act.

I think just to say,

but I'm still here.

Especially if somebody has something like cancer,

I think that word is so scary to everybody.

And so people tend to flee because they just don't know

what to say,

but just be there.

I think that's the number one.

And it's easy to be there in the beginning,

but then six months from now when they're still going through

treatment, send them a text once a week.

Put a reminder in your phone just to say,

I'm here.

I just want you to know I'm here.

Yeah. Oh,

that's wonderful.

I love that.

That's very helpful.

Now swing it over on the other side if it's you.

And so what would you say to someone who has something

happened to them that needs to make their life change to

continue on?

I would say that because we know that life has,

its up and downs,

right? You can say to yourself right now,

things are great,

things are good,

but have a plan for yourself.

Okay? So when something comes,

and it might be 20 years from now or whatever,

that's a big stressor.

What am I gonna do?

How do I handle that best?

And decide,

you know,

decide. Okay,

because maybe it's just taking some time for yourself or whatever.

Have a plan for yourself.

And number two,

allow yourself to feel.

I think in our culture,

we just tell everybody to stop being upset and stop being

sad and just stop whatever.

No, you can let yourself feel it.

Give yourself permission to feel.

And if that means take a few days.

I have a friend who had,

I don't even remember what it was,

and she said she was in bed for three days and

then her husband came in and he said,

alright, you have two choices.

You can live the rest of your life in bed being

depressed because you have this diagnosis,

or you can get up and live your life with this

diagnosis. These are your options,

but I can't support you laying in bed forever.

You know,

the kids can't watch this.

And she thought,

oh yeah,

well no,

I guess I don't wanna,

it kind of made her think about that.

And so give yourself that time,

but then tell yourself you are going to be okay and

find the ways to cope.

So you're just gonna need to find ways to do things

differently. Like for me,

I bought a hospital table.

For me that's number one.

Especially like if you're crafting or whatever,

if you've got a whatever,

get one of those hospital tables on wheels because you can

do so many more things from bed.

Buy yourself one to 40 bucks on Amazon and just find

ways and make it a game.

You know,

how can I find ways to do things differently?

Make it interesting,

make it fun.

Have your kids help you or have your friends help you

if you don't have kids,

come up with gamify things.

Oh, interesting.

Yeah. I actually will give myself treats,

which sounds so funny,

but I'll get cookies.

You know,

I don't feel good,

but for every time I write a page in my book,

I'm gonna eat a cookie.

Little things like that.

It sounds silly,

but it gets you through.

Or you've got a treatment that you really don't wanna go

to. And it's really hard,

okay, I've got this treatment,

but every time I go to treatment I'm going to treat

myself with X thing.

You know,

just because we're not kids doesn't mean that treats don't help.

Yeah. Because they really can.

Small rewards are wonderful.

Yes they are.

There's nothing wrong with that.

No. Connected with an achievement,

a goal,

or doing something.

Exactly. And it doesn't have to be huge.

I mean,

don't go broke,

but, but just,

you know,

allow yourself to feel good.

Give yourself ways to feel good.

Well this has been wonderful Jen.

And like I said,

you're such a good example of,

you know,

when life brings,

I'm not gonna do the whole lemon lemonade thing cuz that's

overused. But like when something comes up that you weren't expecting,

that really shakes your world up,

which could happen to any of us at any time,

at any minute,

as we've all seen over the course of years.

Right? There are ways to cope with it better than just

succumbing to it and saying,

everything is lost.

Yeah. Please don't do that.

And that's the conversation.

You know,

I want this to be an uplifting conversation as we're entering

into the new year,

but it's worth time to give this some thought.

When you are not in the situation,

what would you you do if you were,

because heaven forbid you found yourself there.

You may be able to switch over into that new life

in a little smoother way,

I guess I'd say.

Exactly. That's the intent for it.

And we still get to be in control of our lives.

And can I end on,

I wanna share a story with someone else's story,

but it's so motivating.

Yes. I'd love for you too.

So it's just about hope.

So if something happens and you think,

oh my gosh,

all hope is lost,

my life is over,

whatever it is,

I may cry.

My friend CJ Cola,

she's amazing.

I knew her in person and then I interviewed her on

my podcast when she had stage four cancer.

She had had problems.

She was not able to get the healthcare she needed,

and it was stage four by the time they found it.

Stage four uterine cancer.

And she was on my podcast and her son was four,

and she said,

I am going to live for my son.

I'm going to see him graduate.

I'm going to see him get married.

I am not letting this take over.

When she went and got treatment,

she would give ladies rides home who didn't have rides home

on her way from her own cancer treatment,

started a foundation,

has a huge ball every year in Nashville.

It is now five years later.

I just re-interviewed her.

She is cancer free.

She is here for her son.

He is playing football,

he's doing all these things.

It makes my eyes water,

but it just goes to show,

does it mean that if someone passes from cancer that they

did not are not aware?

Whatever. No,

no. You try as hard as you can,

but you know what?

Just because you get that diagnosis of whatever it is,

that is not the end of your life.

Well, it could be,

but it does not mean that it's the end of your

life. You keep living your life like it's gonna keep going.

You keep living your life and finding ways to make things

happen, doing things for other people and moving forward even when

your body's pushing back,

because at least you'll have peace,

you'll have happiness,

and you'll enjoy your life while you're here.

That's the goal.

Beautiful. That's a great note to end on.

Jen, thank you so much for being here.

I'm optimistic that a lot of this conversation is just that

conversation and most people will only have to tap into one

or two little pieces here,

but on a much more mellow level,

but equipping everybody with what they need moving forward was the

intent here.

So thanks Jen.

I really appreciate you coming on the show today.

Oh, thanks so much for having me.

I really appreciate it.

This conversation has left me feeling so much more equipped for

being vulnerable with her situation.

She's helped shed light on a way to approach the challenges

that are a natural part of life.

My hope for you is that your challenges are light and

your year is full of beautiful experiences.

Let's all welcome.

I wanna make sure you're familiar with my free Facebook group

called Gift Biz Breeze.

It's a place where we all gather and are a community

to support each other.

I got a really fun post in there that's my favorite

of the week,

I have to say,

where I invite all of you to share what you're doing

to show pictures of your product,

to show what you're working on for the week,

to get reaction from other people.

And just for fun,

because we all get to see the wonderful products that everybody

in the community is making.

My favorite post every single week.

Without doubt.

Wait, what?

Aren't you part of the group already?

If not,

make sure to jump over to Facebook and search for the

group Gift Biz breeze.

Don't delay.